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  1. #1
    ABW Ambassador Sheri's Avatar
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    February 17th, 2005
    Lizard Birth
    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

    'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

    'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

    'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom! '

    I was equally outraged. 'Hey , how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

    'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

    'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

    'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

    'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

    'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

    'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

    'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing ! a scant second later.

    'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

    'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

    'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

    'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

    'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

    'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

    'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

    'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

    'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

    'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . M!#%&^%$#. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this.

    'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

    'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm! picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

    'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.
    One cage: $50.
    Trip to the vet: $30.
    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
    Lizards lay eggs!!!!!

  2. #2
    Full Member kayecee's Avatar
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    July 26th, 2007

  3. #3
    Comfortably Numb John Powell's Avatar
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    October 17th, 2005
    Bayou Country, LA
    Lizards are neat, but at times they can be aggravating. I let 3 out the window yesterday.
    Attached Images Attached Images

  4. #4
    Best New ABW Member 2007 sfcom's Avatar
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    October 9th, 2007
    Columbus, OH
    Great story. Glad it all worked out OK in the end.


  5. #5
    Sara - NetShops's Avatar
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    January 7th, 2008
    Omaha, NE
    Wow - that is disgustingly hilarious! In other words - right up my alley

  6. #6
    Join Date
    January 17th, 2005
    That was so funny.
    Those who think they know everything annoy those of us who do

  7. #7
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    New York, USA
    :sniffle: One of the few things I miss about Florida is herptiles EVERYWHERE! Geckos in the air ducts, tree frogs on the houseplants, anoles on the patio. Man, those were good times. (No, I'm not being facetious.)

    Cute joke!

  8. #8
    A Real *and* Darn Cool Member! lstolze's Avatar
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    March 23rd, 2005

    OMG!!! That's the best story ever.
    ~Lisa - Brilliant Mastermind, or Nut? You decide!

  9. #9
    Newbie greenehawke's Avatar
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    January 26th, 2008
    As I read this, I thought, BUT LIZARDS LAY EGGS.

    Duh. too too outrageously funny

  10. #10
    ABW Ambassador purplebear's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    that was really funny Poor little guys won't lay on their back around you guys anymore.

    bumpaw - awwwhh now he is a cute little fella What's the difference between a lizard and the little Geico guy....I think he's cute, too

  11. #11
    Antisocial Media Expert ProWebAddict's Avatar
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    March 25th, 2006
    Go Daddy
    Very cute. I needed a laugh.

  12. #12
    Newbie greenehawke's Avatar
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    January 26th, 2008
    geico gecko
    geico is a gecko different species of lizard... they have peculiar feet.

    but they are lizards too.

  13. #13
    ABW Ambassador purplebear's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    Thank you greenehawke You got me curious so looked em up....never realized there were so many types. I like the little gold dust guy in pictures and the little Geico guy's a yellow-throated day gecko and I finally know now what his accent is. According to what it says it's an East London accent. Will have to ask Chris, Patrick, James or Malcolm if they sound like the little guy

    They do have interesting little footies and hmmm evidently the ladies don't need the guys.

  14. #14
    ABW Ambassador
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    January 17th, 2005
    Thanks for sharing, that was great!!

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