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  1. #1
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    Los Angeles
    How to Give a Cat and Dog a Pill

    How to Give a Cat a Pill
    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15 Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.


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  2. #2
    Full Member Jim Guinn's Avatar
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    January 21st, 2007
    Bartonsville, Pennsylvania
    Thanks for the late night chukle, Rexanne. I was laughing out loud!

    And, it's so true!

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  3. #3
    Super Dawg Member Phil Kaufman aka AffiliateHound's Avatar
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    January 22nd, 2007
    West Covina, CA
    Thanks, Rexanne, that was absolutely hilarious.
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  4. #4
    ABW Ambassador meadowmufn's Avatar
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    January 17th, 2005
    That is so true. Only, we don't even have to wrap it in bacon for our dog. Open jaws, shove pill down throat. Tada! Now, trimming her nails is another story...
    -Don't criticize anyone til you've walked a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
    - Silence is golden. Duct Tape is silver.

  5. #5
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    Los Angeles
    Quote Originally Posted by meadowmufn
    Now, trimming her nails is another story...
    Oh GAWD! I don't know what's worse ... trying to clip the dog or the cat's nails. I hate the battle so much, I throw them in the car and take them to the groomer to do it. I pick my battles. LOL

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  6. #6
    Outsourced Program Manager Chris -  AMWSO's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    Oh how true, our cat goes nuts when it has to eat a pill, there's no way to trick it into eating it, it's down to brute "will power" and the cat as the power to willingly cause any amount of harm it can to me to avoid eating it. We usually need three people to succeed
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  7. #7
    Beachy Bill's Avatar
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    November 20th, 2005
    Absolutely great, Rexanne. That will be on the way to several friends this morning.

    Thanks for sharing.
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  8. #8
    Affiliate Manager guinness618's Avatar
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    December 12th, 2007
    Charlottesville, VA
    thanks Rexanne!
    now I have to wipe off the coffee I just spit onto my monitor...
    Dyan Carlson
    ["My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."- The Dalai Lama

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