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June 11th, 2009, 10:42 AM #1The Life Span
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
June 11th, 2009, 12:22 PM #2
The secret of success is constancy of purpose ~ Disraeli
June 11th, 2009, 12:27 PM #3
June 11th, 2009, 12:33 PM #4
Here's one for ya!
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
June 11th, 2009, 01:56 PM #5
Glad people liked this.
RGuy - though I abhor hunting, you posted my favorite hunting joke. My second favorite:
1st hunter: You imbecile! You idiot! You just shot my wife!
2nd hunter: Opps. Sorry about that....
......do you want to take a shot at mine over there?
June 11th, 2009, 02:01 PM #6
Heard this one?
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”
June 11th, 2009, 02:14 PM #7
Same joke but I heard it this way: When The Producers* was the biggest hit on Broadway in years, and there was never an empty seat, a man in the second row was astonished to see the a seat one over from him empty. So, he asked the woman between him and the empty seat: "Pardon me, but do you know why that seat is empty?"
The woman replied: "Yes, two years ago, my husband and I sent away for tickets, and after waiting and waiting, we finally received our tickets a few months ago, but before we could see the show, he passed away."
The man, visibly upset, said: "Oh, I'm so sorry. But, couldn't one of your friends have used the ticket?"
And the woman replied: "They're all at the funeral."
*Originally heard this in the '60s and the show was Hello, Dolly.
Now I have to go work on changing out Popshop CSN products.
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