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  1. #1
    ABW Ambassador Daniel M. Clark's Avatar
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    January 7th, 2006
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    Funniest Termination Ever
    I got this in my email today, and since I know you guys are going to ask... it's from Meritline, on ShareASale.
    Dear Valued Affiliate,

    Due to the difficult economic climate, Meritline has decided to suspend certain affiliate accounts to reduce our marketing budget. Please understand that this decision has been extremely difficult for us and is in no way a reflection of your performance. We will be evaluating each affiliate individually. If your account has been suspended, please do not be alarmed. We will periodically review your account and will reinstate your account at our earliest convenience. Please do not contact us regarding the suspension. We thank you for your understanding and cooperation in this difficult time and we look forward to working with you in the near future.
    1. Dear Valued Affiliate? You're suspending me! If I was valuable, you wouldn't do that
    2. You're reducing your marketing budget by suspending affiliate accounts? You don't pay us up front, only when we make you money.
    3. It's in no way a reflection of my performance... I haven't promoted you guys at all yet, so actually, I would hope that it was a reflection of my performance... that would at least make a bit more sense
    4. "Do not be alarmed..." I'M PANICKING!!!!!11 WHAT'M I GONNA DOOOOO?????
    5. You will periodically review my account... for what? If you suspend me, nothing about my account will ever change, periodically or otherwise
    6. I love the 'don't call us, we'll call you' line - that's my favorite part!
    7. You thank me for my understanding, though I don't actually understand any of it, and my cooperation, as if I have a choice. As for working with me in the near future... see point number 5 here.

    I'm not angry, or anything - like I said, I hadn't gotten around to promoting them yet. I think it's funny
    Daniel M. Clark
    Tech Manager
    Greg Hoffman Consulting

  2. #2
    Full Member lintlin's Avatar
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    LOL Daniel, that would have me cracking up, too!

  3. #3
    Merchant & ABW Ambassador
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    I never understand why people look at affilite marketing to cut expenses. They should be looking at PPC first as you can pay 3-5 times more per conversion via the PPC channel.

  4. #4
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
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    I'll say it one more time ... merchants are clueless. The brains in this industry is with affiliates.

    It's good to remember that we need merchants as much as they need us. Otherwise, we'd just give up after banging our heads against a wall one time too many.

    Daniel, you could write another book of merchant termination emails. Add in a few rejection emails and you could go to town with witty retorts.
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  5. #5
    ABW Ambassador beachcom's Avatar
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    To funny! All the make you feel good stuff while tossing you out the door.

  6. #6
    ABW Ambassador Greg Rice's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
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    This is a classic! My favorite line is "We will periodically review your account and will reinstate your account at our earliest convenience." Huh? First, how could they after they removed you and why "periodically", what do they think will change?
    Greg Rice Affiliate Program Management
    www.gocmc.com info(AT)gocmc.com | 330-259-1223

    Join us! - MiNeeds.com | DiscountCandleShop/CheeseSupply | Feng Shui Plaza

  7. #7
    Affiliate Manager Matt McWilliams's Avatar
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    Best part IMHO

    "If your account has been suspended,"

    IF my account is suspended? I mean, I...I...yeah I got nothing on that one.
    Matt McWilliams
    Call Me At: (317) 825-8826 | Follow Me On Twitter: @MattMcWilliams2 | Connect With Me On LinkedIn

  8. #8
    Manager - Affiliate Marketing Patrick Vesperman's Avatar
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    June 10th, 2009
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    I think I am going to send this email to all my affiliates and see what happens....NOT!


    Thanks for the laugh.

  9. #9
    Grandma broke her coccyx! Uncle Rico's Avatar
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    I would reply with:

    "I ain't never heard anyone so sh!t all stupid is you!"

  10. #10
    Half a Bubble Off Plumb RemodelingGuy's Avatar
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    June 1st, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eric Ewe
    I never understand why people look at affilite marketing to cut expenses. They should be looking at PPC first as you can pay 3-5 times more per conversion via the PPC channel.
    Unfortunately, it's a mind-set in bigger business...

    Need Cuts?

    Keep the useless Brass and kill the Sales & Marketing dept.

    " Reduce our marketing budget " ??? - WTF?

    I bet that the occasional email uses up a ton of band-width.. -

    These guys are either idiots, or have an idiot running the program...

    Jimmy McDonald - Your Local Hard Working RemodelingGuy ( & SprinklerGuy - & GarageGuy )
    StartRemodeling.com .... MySprinklerGuy.com .... MyGarageGuy.com ....
    We're Bettering YOUR Life by Improving Where YOU Live It ...
    Do What You LOVE & LOVE What You Do! ....

  11. #11
    ABW Ambassador affninja's Avatar
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    Hi Daniel, I got that email yesterday too, and was going to post something similar. Instead, I think I'll just reply with a link to this thread!
    Your Ad Here.

  12. #12
    Member JohnHawkins's Avatar
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    October 12th, 2009
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    You KNOW they spent a lot of time writing this. Why not just cut to the chase?

    Dear ex-affiliate, don't send us any more free traffic hoping that we may actually pay you.

  13. #13
    Domain Addict / Formerly known as elbowcreek Thomas A. Rice's Avatar
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    Ahhaha, that is pretty doggone funny, as far as a kissoff email goes, I would really be tempted to reply with a, "Why don't you periodically shove your emaill up your ...ahem...", well, you get my drift.

    Thanks for sharing, that is a seriously screwed up program.
    Following everyone else is a GREAT way to become average.

  14. #14
    I like traffic lights
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    Ring your broker RIGHT NOW, and scream SELL MERITLINE! at him.

  15. #15
    ABW Ambassador writerguy's Avatar
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    As much as Daniel and/or any one of us would LIKE to think of a clever reply to that oddball email -- I'm betting any replies will just go into cyber-neverland, as per my favorite line in the message: "Please do not contact us regarding the suspension. We thank you for your understanding and cooperation in this difficult time ..."

    What a bunch of fools. And I would suggest, from the part I quoted, a bunch of COWARDLY fools -- afraid if you respond they'll be sad or hurt or further confused, or something, so, "PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE!!!"

    Yup. Big bunch of fools, I would say.
    Generate more fake news.

  16. #16
    Domain Addict / Formerly known as elbowcreek Thomas A. Rice's Avatar
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    StupidMerchants dot com is available to reg, and that would make a nice first topic for a blog, lol.....
    Following everyone else is a GREAT way to become average.

  17. #17
    The Seal of Aproval rematt's Avatar
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    I think they're full of crap. If they really wanted to save money they could just stop breathing, imagine how much they could save on air every month.

    -rematt
    "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." - Richard Nixon

  18. #18
    Influencer Marketing GravityFed's Avatar
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    Thumbs down
    Similar: We had a merchant who sabotaged their own program by eliminating top Affiliates for the same reason, ie, because they wanted to "reduce their marketing expenditures".

    We booted them after two rounds of removing the top Affiliates, once we figured out what was going on with them.

    Don't worry, this program is not using the Affiliate channel anymore so you're all safe from such BS...at least safe from these guys.

  19. #19
    Affiliate Marketing Consultant Linda - 5starAffiliatePrograms's Avatar
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    Talk about clueless merchants!

    Whoever drafted that email should be locked in a basement with no computer for a month. Hope it was someone from another department that doesn't understand the business and was only filling in - not the AM who should definitely know better.

    Thanks for sharing Daniel, that was a hoot!

  20. #20
    Newbie
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    woow Daniel very good points out there... Sometimes I really have the feeling that some of the merchants doesn't understand a bit of what they are doing.
    I really liked your "translation"... indeed.. dear valuated HAHA

  21. #21
    More Cheesier Than Ever Cheesehead's Avatar
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    Paraphrased, it would be

    Dear Valued Affiliate,
    Due to the difficult economic climate, we have gone crazy. When we become sane again, we will let you know.
    Crazily Yours,
    Meritline
    This World is Not My Home
    We're gonna go inside, we're gonna go outside, inside and outside. . . And then we're gonna go go go and we're not gonna stop til we get across that goalline! Quotes from the movie Rudy, 1993

  22. #22
    Newbie
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    I got a decline and between the reasons was this:

    "Sole use of PPC or SEO to promote our stores/products"
    now.. I don't know from where they get this... I wrote that I have a few niche blogs... No I don't use PPC and not even try to overoptimize my pages. Just the regular basic "seo"

  23. #23
    ABW Ambassador Ron Bechdolt's Avatar
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    Oh, that is a good one. All the classic mistakes of an uniformed merchant. Hope someone directs them here to ABW so they can learn how things work, why the system works the way it does. Somehow they have everything backwards!!!

    A thread of just rejection emails would be great entertainment I think and a great resource to direct merchants to when they don't seem to have a clue!

    Thanks for sharing!
    Ron Bechdolt | Affiliate Program Management Consultant
    7 Days A Week Marketing

  24. #24
    More Cheesier Than Ever Cheesehead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kittyaddict
    I got a decline and between the reasons was this:

    "Sole use of PPC or SEO to promote our stores/products"
    now.. I don't know from where they get this... I wrote that I have a few niche blogs... No I don't use PPC and not even try to overoptimize my pages. Just the regular basic "seo"
    Whatever you do, do NOT optimize your pages for the search engines!!! What a baddie you are!!!
    This World is Not My Home
    We're gonna go inside, we're gonna go outside, inside and outside. . . And then we're gonna go go go and we're not gonna stop til we get across that goalline! Quotes from the movie Rudy, 1993

  25. #25
    Super Dawg Member Phil Kaufman aka AffiliateHound's Avatar
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    From meritline's website:
    If at any time you have a question or comment regarding the affiliate program, you can always contact affiliate support.
    Unless, of course, they tell you not to.
    Since June 10, 2012 a vegan aarf but still writing the Hound Dawg Sports Blog
    "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" -John Wooden;
    "Raj, there’s no place for truth on the internet." -Howard Wolowitz[/SIZE]

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