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December 23rd, 2003, 02:58 PM #1
UNSOLICITED BULKY MALE ("SANTA") BANNED!
In an unprecedented step, the U.S. state of California has passed a law banning what has been considered a growing menace by many people, especially children - that of a big fat man in a red suit delivering presents that, more often than not, have not been specifically requested by its recipient - or Unsolicited Bulky Male (UBM) as the problem
is often referred to.
"Every Christmas, the space under my Christmas tree is getting more and more clogged with unsolicited stuff," said one concerned Californian parent. "It started off as a
small trickle, and now it's turned into a flood. My real worry is that my children will open up their boxes and find all kinds of trash that they never asked for."
"It's not fair," whined one Californian kid. "I asked for a Kickboxing Barbie, and all I got was some doll named Cassie. I mean, who's Cassie? There should be law against this or something."
Well, now there is. In response to protests from children up and down the state of California, from January 1st 2004, it's illegal to send the Bulky Male ("Santa") to any citizen in California, unless the present is specifically requested. Under the new legislation, Santa can be fined $1,000 per unsolicited present, up to a maximum of $1,000,000.
"This is crazy stuff," said one of Santa's assistants (or "Little Helpers", as he preferred to call them). "We already have a very strict filtering system in place to filter out the bad children from the good... now we're expected to also tell what's solicited and what's not? Up until now we've worked on a system of basically taking what the kids have asked for, and then seeing what we can afford, based on the allocated budget available per child. But now, it's like, we can only deliver exactly what's on the list, or nothing at all."
In response to the new legislation, Santa's office is now publishing an official form, which must be filled out and signed by the children, before any presents are delivered.
All requested presents must be recorded on the form, and the following declaration must be checked and signed:
"I hereby grant direct consent for the big fat man in the red suit to come down my chimney and deliver me the above presents, or substitute presents of inferior quality and value, if listed presents are not available. I also authorize third-parties to climb down the chimney from time to time and leave stuff as well."
Asked if parents should share in some of the responsibility for the unsolicited presents, a spokesman for the parents group Parents Against Santa Sending Bulk Unsolicited Crap to
Kids (PASSBUCK) said: "Nope, it's all the fat man's fault. My son asked for an Xbox last year, and all Santa could manage was a Playstation 1. I mean, someone's got to take
the blame - my kids have been bugging me about this ever since - and it really needs to be Santa."
California has vowed to catch the Unsolicited Bulky Male from its source, although a spokesman said that he recognized that a lot of the time, Bulky Male comes from abroad. "We have a close eye on Lapland right now. But, quite frankly, this stuff flies around the world so quickly, it might be difficult to catch."
Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governor of California, was unavailable for comment on the new legislation, although earlier in the day he did release a press statement indicating that, because of the legislation's Christmas theme, it was likely he'd be starring in a movie about it, some time next year.
Linda Buquet :: 714.754.1280 :: AM Consulting, Promotion & PR (Partner Relations)
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December 23rd, 2003, 03:17 PM #2
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December 23rd, 2003, 03:40 PM #3
- Join Date
- January 18th, 2005
Good one Linda!
"A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes." -- Mahatma Gandhi
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