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  1. #1
    Sgt. Joe Friday frank3iii's Avatar
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    Or you may not. I don't often stray from my goal 'just the facts', but a friend sent this to me. You may enjoy it.

    If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your
    cheeks then there's no hope for you!

    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an
    inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East
    Coast.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
    the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
    accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
    out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
    the look on my face.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
    more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
    was standing behind me with fresh refills. She is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks!!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
    and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
    peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
    Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like crap to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
    oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
    in my stomach.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
    but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
    over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going
    to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.


    Frank

    "Just the facts, Ma'am"
    Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet

  2. #2
    Affiliate Marketing Consultant Linda - 5starAffiliatePrograms's Avatar
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    Frank,

    LOL that was pretty good!

    I haven't had REALLY good chili since the last time I went to Chili Johns in GreenBay Wisconsin. Wish they sold that stuff at the grocery store. Mmmmmm

    Linda Buquet :: 714.754.1280 :: AM Consulting, Promotion & PR (Partner Relations)
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  3. #3
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    frank3iii,

    Sh*t I laughed uncontrollably for 5 minutes had to step away and calm down to read the rest of this. My husband wants a copy of it. He fell out of the chair a few times.

    I am still cracking up as I write this. That has got to be an AWARD Winner.


  4. #4
    pph Expert! Gordon's Avatar
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    oh no this has got to be the best post of the month if not the year. Thanks Frank I loved it, brilliant

    I got my parasiteware t-shirt
    <font color=red size="1">All parasites are scumbags and should be treated as such....</font><font color=blue size="1">STAMP EM OUT!!!</font>
    Take care
    YouTrek.com

  5. #5
    ABW Ambassador Nova's Avatar
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    Thank you Frank

    Awesome post and I agree with Sandra and Mr. Gordon, it is the best one!


    I can relate to the post, I lived in TX and I'm one of them that can cook the killer chili!

    I can't stop laughing thanks!

    ------------------------------
    What does the COC stand for? Crooks Overwriting Commissions.
    Don't worry! Tracking is infected!
    ------------------------------
    Love Life to the fullest. we only get ONE chance! :-) !

  6. #6
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    I had to call my brothers to read this too

    -------------
    <font size="1">Ladies and Gentleman you are being robbed every day, you know it and you're not doing anything about it. When is enough, enough? </font>

  7. #7
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    I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!

    I have gotta have some chili now - no beans and lotsa peppers

    char_paula

  8. #8
    ABW Founder Haiko de Poel, Jr.'s Avatar
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    Holy Sh!t that was hysterical, I haven't laughed that hard in a while!

    Definately a winner, PM me your name, addy and size.

    <font size="2" face="Verdana">Haiko


    The secret of success is constancy of purpose. ~ Disraeli
    </font></p>

  9. #9
    Just Lurking
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    Haiko, you should've done a better job hiding this! I laugh so hard I feel like I ran around the block! In the shape I'm in that could kill me! My gut actually hurts from laughing so hard! Tears are still running down my face.



    Frank that was so goood...

  10. #10
    Sgt. Joe Friday frank3iii's Avatar
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    Glad you all liked it. I just re-read it. Still laughing.

    Frank

    "Just the facts, Ma'am"
    Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet

  11. #11
    ABW Founder Haiko de Poel, Jr.'s Avatar
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    My Fav line is from #5 ...

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>



    <font size="2" face="Verdana">Haiko


    The secret of success is constancy of purpose. ~ Disraeli
    </font></p>

  12. #12
    Sgt. Joe Friday frank3iii's Avatar
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    It would be difficult for me to pick a favorite, but the wiping with a snow cone comes close.


    Haiko...emailed you.

    Frank

    "Just the facts, Ma'am"
    Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet

  13. #13
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    #6 was when I had to step away get oxygen and gain control so I could read the rest!

    no one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally

  14. #14
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
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    What a early morning wake up call that story was.... Now I have to go change my pants and get a towel to dry my eyes. I'll also toss those 2 bottles of FC Pud's "Burn Rate" habanero sauce, I have in the cupboard, into the trash!

    Mike & Charlie ...

    If they won't adopt and feed a bird ..flip them one! BBQ some Gator and remember to flush WhenU..

  15. #15
    ABW Ambassador Andy's Avatar
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    Hilarious!

    Those chili cooks are very proud of their chili. I've heard of some pretty strange ingredients to get that perfect taste, too...

    Andy

    _______________
    <font color="red">Call the Exterminators! We've Got PARASITES!</font>

  16. #16
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    that's really funny!i like that thing about wiping it with a snow cone!!that's a good one!!!

    To SURVIVE,you have to expect the unexpected!!

  17. #17
    Sgt. Joe Friday frank3iii's Avatar
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    Would anyone be interested in reading a follow-up on this story?

    Frank

    "Just the facts, Ma'am"
    Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet

  18. #18
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by frank3iii:
    Would anyone be interested in reading a follow-up on this story?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Theres a follow up? Definetly ready to

  19. #19
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
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    I have bought a box of kleenex and put a seat belt on the toilet for reading the next excerpt of the Chili testing saga.

    Mike & Charlie ...

    If they won't adopt and feed a bird ..flip them one! BBQ some Gator and remember to flush WhenU..

  20. #20
    pph Expert! Gordon's Avatar
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    I sure would Frank

    I got my parasiteware t-shirt
    <font color=red size="1">All parasites are scumbags and should be treated as such....</font><font color=blue size="1">STAMP EM OUT!!!</font>
    Take care
    YouTrek.com

  21. #21
    ABW Ambassador
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    What a blast!! Fire that 2nd installment up already!

  22. #22
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    Where is part 2?? I have been waiting for a long time.

    Bob Rawley
    www.dimout.com

  23. #23
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
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    I agree as it will warm the soul during the cold snap!

    Mike & Charlie ...

    If they won't adopt and feed a bird ..flip them one! BBQ some Gator and remember to flush WhenU..

  24. #24
    Sgt. Joe Friday frank3iii's Avatar
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    I'm getting a little wishy-washy on the follow up.

    I have written two more installments. Very tongue in cheek look at some south Texas rednecks that I have known. Following up on the story where it quit.

    I think that it could be a continuous deal. Poking fun at oneself and friends seems never to end.

    The problem. I don't know if I (or anyone else) could write anything that comes close to the original.

    I'm afraid that anything more would take away from the story more than it would add.

    So...here is very light outline of the two I have written:

    ==================

    Picture in your mind...a small non-incorporated bedroom community (near where the Astro Dome used to be). A weekly scandal sheet written by part-time reporter wannabees. Call the paper "The SouthLoop Times"

    Headline: SouthLoop residents alarmed by sirens and flashing lights over at the rodeo grounds.

    By-line: JimBob Oglethorpe

    Story line: An account of the aftermath of the chili tasting by two rednecks. Description of scene. Bubba tells about the fire/rescue squad useing the jaws of life to open a car door. Man inside on fire. Mushroom cloud seen when door finally opened. Largish lady(?) screaming.

    Page two: Chief of Police (Robert Bobinski) 'RobBob' interviewed. Complaining about interference from feds. Asked why it was required to call the Centers for Disease Control and Hazmat.

    Page three: Local businessman to stop importing peppers.."Its a fackt. Our very own homegrown south Texas chili peppers won the cook off" says Till Robinson, owner of TilBob's Grill. "We aint gonna buy any more of them imported peppers. Them ole boys over in South Looseeana is so full of it. We won and its official."

    Page four: New business announced. Sally M. McMahoony reports that she is opening a new reducing saloon. 'SalBob' says the newest weight reducing product is made with chili peppers and beer. She guarantees you can loose up to twenty pounds in one day.

    Back page: A hospital spokesperson confirmed that an unidentified male subject was admitted to the local infirmary with second and third degree burns to his face and chest. No explanation was given.

    =================

    As you can see, it is endless what the human mind can come up with when challenged. (Or an endlessly challenged mind)

    Frank
    P.S. I know, what passes for my sense of humor is about 32 degrees off of center.

    P.P.S. Haiko, I never did get that shirt you promised..it's alright though. La Esposa Compliamente would have snagged it anyway.

    "Just the facts, Ma'am"
    Sgt. Joe Friday, Dragnet

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