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  1. #1
    CPA Network Rep JP Sauve's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
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    A little long, but well worth it. Sorry for the language, but it really ads to the joke.

    - - - - - - -

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
    a Canadian who was visiting Texas:

    Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous
    celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no
    one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick
    at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
    judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
    came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
    the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
    have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event.....


    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy sh#t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
    dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
    the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
    crazy.



    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
    taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie
    in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.



    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
    beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
    Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
    part of my chest. I'm getting sh#t-faced.



    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
    refills; that 300lb. b#tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear
    waste I'm eating.



    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
    Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
    farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
    seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
    damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
    on it from a pitcher. It really chokes me that the other judges asked
    me to stop screaming. F#ck those rednecks!



    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
    of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
    and garlic. Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. No-one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. I need to wipe my A$$ with a snow cone!



    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
    peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
    of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
    is cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a f#cking grenade in my mouth, pull the f#cking
    pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,
    and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
    covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#cking mouth. My
    pants are full of lava-like sh#t to match my goddamn shirt. At least
    during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
    breathing, it's too painful. F#ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
    If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f#cking 4 inch hole in my
    stomach.



    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
    passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if
    he's going to make it. Poor Canuck.

    ________

    JP Sauve

    Excellent new CPA Offers. Two tier income.
    http://www.MAXBounty.com

  2. #2
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    Dunplicate



    SandraR<font color="red"></font>
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  3. #3
    CPA Network Rep JP Sauve's Avatar
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    How about this one then...

    - - - - - -

    One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
    when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his
    driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

    Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

    "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"

    "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

    He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."

    "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

    "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

    They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
    as large as the limousine.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind.
    Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place, the grass is
    almost a foot tall."

    ________

    JP Sauve

    Excellent new CPA Offers. Two tier income.
    http://www.MAXBounty.com

  4. #4
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    Love that one!

    Since its grass cutting time here I sent it to my hubbie as a suggestion!



    SandraR<font color="red"></font>
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  5. #5
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Since its grass cutting time here I sent it to my hubbie as a suggestion!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
    If he wants a dessert he can come to my lawn for snow-cones. Fresh today!

    Wayne

  6. #6
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NorthernStudio:
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Since its grass cutting time here I sent it to my hubbie as a suggestion! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
    If he wants a dessert he can come to my lawn for snow-cones. Fresh today!

    Wayne <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Spring is coming though Wayne! Those wont be snow cones for long.

    Cheers,

    Beth

    [This message was edited by Beth Kirsch on March 12, 2004 at 11:40 PM.]

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