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  1. #1
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
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    Rhea's Avatar
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    A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the Top Ten finalists:

    10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive).

    9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

    8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

    6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

    5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

    4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

    3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)

    2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter!" (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

    * * * * *

    My favorite snotty line to a boss was, "I'm sorry Frank, I don't DO crap." Unfortunately for his staff, three of us had to quit before the company wised up and fired his sorry butt.

    Got any good workplace anecdotes?

  2. #2
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    Along the lines of #2 above, a Sales Manager at a modular home I worked for told me: "You're always telling me we can't build & ship something. I need drawings of what we can't build so I can explain it to the customers."

    He also asked for an opening for a skylight that was 4'-6" which didn't sound right to me. I asked if he meant 46" and his reply was '4-6, 46", what's the difference?'

    Wayne

  3. #3
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    Thanks Rhea,

    I sent your post to all my WORKING friends!

  4. #4
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    Well you should read my site... it might depress you some more or make you laugh... I hope it makes you laugh... because there sure are lots of silly bosses and coworkers out there!

  5. #5
    Domain Addict / Formerly known as elbowcreek Thomas A. Rice's Avatar
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    Very funny!

    This line:
    - - - - - - -
    7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
    - - - - - - -

    Should explain why so many of us want to work for ourselves rather than someone else, lol.

    I applied for a job one time a while back, and they handed me a 'psychological profile' to fill out. Kinda offended me, that they figured they were going to be able to analyse who I am and my worth to society based on a profile I can lie about. So, figuring on the 'reverse psychology' angle, I tried to answer the questions how I figured a crazed serial strangler would want to answer. Didn't get the job, strangely enough.
    Following everyone else is a GREAT way to become average.

  6. #6
    Domain Addict / Formerly known as elbowcreek Thomas A. Rice's Avatar
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    Not a funny line, but when I worked at Indiana University, in the Financial Management Support office, I had a boss that said, "Tom, I want you to be an a$$hole. When people pick up the phone and hear your voice, I want them to say to themselves, 'Jesus Christ, I better do what he wants, because that's Tom Rice and he's a real a$$hole.' "

    I explained that's not how I work, that I build relationships with people, not terrify them. He said, "Take them to lunch on your own time. On my time, be an a$$hole."

    He's done real well at IU, I might add: probably because people are terrified of him, lol.
    Following everyone else is a GREAT way to become average.

  7. #7
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
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    lol! Tom, you jogged my memory. A recent boss told me, "You'd do better around here if you just batted your eyelashes a little more often."

    The really scary thing...he was right. But I refused to act like a simp just to make the director more comfortable. I thought it was unreasonable of them to expect me to clean snake cages all morning and then act all girlie and helpless, ya know?

  8. #8
    Crazy like a fox suzigeek's Avatar
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    Here's one that an employee said to my ex-husband after figuring something out:

    "I'm so smart I got a mind like a brain!"

    poor guy..--decades ago-- I guess it would fit under 10 reasons not to be an employer!
    Suz~~GearGirl~~

  9. #9
    Domain Addict / Formerly known as elbowcreek Thomas A. Rice's Avatar
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    - - - -
    lol! Tom, you jogged my memory. A recent boss told me, "You'd do better around here if you just batted your eyelashes a little more often."
    - - - -

    Batting my eyelashes just doesn't seem to work, for some reason.

    Suzigeek - < - - I got a mind like a scrambled brain.
    Following everyone else is a GREAT way to become average.

  10. #10
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Does not compute... Hope hes not in charge of anything too important

    I don't want a boss anymore!!!!

  11. #11
    Resident Genius and Staunch Capitalist Leader's Avatar
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    Bosses to teenage workers about getting rid of old cardboard boxes:

    You're too young to use the baler, so don't run it.

    Don't leave your boxes in the baler for someone else to run it.

    Don't leave the boxes in carts in back for someone else to bale, that blocks up the back and nobody else wants to bale your boxes.

    Don't throw the boxes out the back, they're recyclable so they have to be baled.

    Don't throw the boxes in the front's trash, they have to be baled.

    Don't leave them sitting in front where the customers can see them.

    Again, don't use the baler; you're not 18.

    (After a few days of empty boxes appearing in really oddball places)

    Why aren't you getting rid of those boxes? That's part of YOUR job!

    At least that time I was old enough that, that particular piece of BS wasn't aimed at ME!

    But inventive clods come up with something similar for all employees no matter what their age is.
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

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