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  1. #1
    Eternal Optimist Look4's Avatar
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    To the citizens of the United States of America!

    In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
    (pronounced 'zed' not'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". Youwill learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
    if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
    Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
    While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"
    which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
    You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
    Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
    Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    12. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

    13. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    14. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.


    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
    Thank you for your cooperation.
    Tom C.
    [URL=http://www.cafepress.com/simplesignshop]Simple Sign Shop[/URL]

    Every day leave someone or something better than you found it.

  2. #2
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    The only thing there I have a problem with is "Taggart" as I often put the subtitles on to understand it, albeit that was when "Taggart" actually still had Taggart in it.


    Les

  3. #3
    Roll Tide mobilebadboy's Avatar
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Then I wouldn't be able to shoot anyone who actually attempted to let this happen. So I'll have to disagree.

    Shawn Kerr (.com) | Disney World | SEC Football

  4. #4
    Resident Genius and Staunch Capitalist Leader's Avatar
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Let 'em try it, make our day... we'll be glad to kick it again for old times' sake!

    *buys Halliburton stock*
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  5. #5
    ABW Ambassador
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    If only it were true.


  6. #6
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
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    I won't mind so much if we get tea every day. Breakfast and tea are the only meals you Brits can cook worth a damn. You people have no sense when it comes to food. Beer is supposed to be cold -- pancakes are supposed to be hot.

  7. #7
    ABW Adviser Panel Dynamoo's Avatar
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    I make the UK price petrol to be equivalent to $5.60 per US gallon if I've done my sums rights, that seems to be about three times the average US price.

    Perhaps if you Americans had to pay that much for fuel, you might understand that cars don't need engines the size of Belgium to go quickly!

    Innovative advertising with Slimeware Corporation and Telephore. Mail-order fuel with Petrol Direct.

  8. #8
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    Hi Rhea

    I think you are a bit behind the times with regards to british food.

    There is a whole new generation of TV (celebrity?) chefs over here driving British food forward. A few are a bit OTT on the screen, but most have published cookery books that are really excellent.

    Try out and get hold of one of Jamie Olivier great books as they are written in a very accessible fashion.

    My wife has been working her way through the recipes in his books for ages, and I am definitely not complaining.

    Just put Jamie Oliver in Amazon.com or amazon.co.uk search engine and pull up a list of his books and DVDs or
    (at a risk of promoting one of my own sites), see what I said here

    http://www.great-british-greats.co.u...mie-oliver.htm)

    Les

  9. #9
    Eternal Optimist Look4's Avatar
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    I've been informed by some co-workers that the "Message from the UK" actually started circulating after the 2000 election.

    I've found the "Response" message as well:

    Reintegration: The US Responds

    To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, we welcome
    your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to
    see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're
    amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun
    never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum! However, we regretfully
    have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would
    be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of
    you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power).
    After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as
    the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a
    monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the
    world. To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
    compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

    1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
    always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
    "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name
    "aluminum"
    (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved
    into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In
    1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling
    and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum
    industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually
    producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an
    Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English
    Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000
    of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American
    civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

    2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then
    we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

    3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100
    -97.85 = 2.15)

    4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movie s.
    Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock,
    Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty".
    We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good
    movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're
    doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

    5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes whenever
    your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an
    extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania
    ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
    Wind" again for you guys.

    6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in:
    United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer
    Olympics.
    United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro
    2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having
    your fans start an international incident.

    7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'
    Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best
    food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the
    culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when
    you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach
    you how to cook

    8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error
    is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is
    pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England
    than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and
    Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

    9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies ".
    Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
    soap operas.

    p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome.
    Tom C.
    [URL=http://www.cafepress.com/simplesignshop]Simple Sign Shop[/URL]

    Every day leave someone or something better than you found it.

  10. #10
    ABW Veteran Mr. Sal's Avatar
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    Here we go again. We got stuck with the legacy of that famous word that was used a lot in the last few months.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    FLIP-FLOPPING

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    13. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    First you say You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns and then you say Guns should only be handled by adults.

    So in our best defense (not defence) we now instead of taking out the words (In God We Trust) to put in (God Save The Queen) like you propose. Now we will just change it to (Might God Have Mercy On Your Dreams)

    And please, no more Flip-Flopping around, at least until 2008

  11. #11
    ABW Adviser Panel Dynamoo's Avatar
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    Look4 - I hadn't seen the rebuttal before. Hilarious!

    Innovative advertising with Slimeware Corporation and Telephore. Mail-order fuel with Petrol Direct.

  12. #12
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
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    I refuse to say AL-YOU-MIN-EE-YUM.

    That's my final word.

  13. #13
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    Does mean one has to say plutonum and uranum in the USA too.


    Les

  14. #14
    CPA Network Rep JP Sauve's Avatar
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Look4:
    9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies ".
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Give that man a cigar!
    [font=verdana][b][size=3][color=red]Are you familiar with [URL]MaxBounty.com[/URL] yet?[/color][/b][/size][/font][font=verdana][b][size=1][color=black]
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  15. #15
    Domain Addict / Formerly known as elbowcreek Thomas A. Rice's Avatar
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    - - - - -
    9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies ".
    Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian
    soap operas.
    - - - - - -

    Following everyone else is a GREAT way to become average.

  16. #16
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    You've got to be kidding!

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    This observation from a country that eats a dish named "Spotted Dick?"

    P.S. I miss "Benny Hill."
    "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't...You're right!" -Henry Ford-

  17. #17
    pph Expert! Gordon's Avatar
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    Rick
    I'm back in the UK now and I am thanking my lucky stars that at least my fellow Brits know how to brew and serve a nice cold beer.

    I think the problem was, in the begining you Americans could not read correctly and read it as "Brits know how to brew and serve an ice cold beer"

    I prefer something any day that I can drink a full pint of without having to stop after each mouthfull to thaw out my stomach
    One day parasites and their ilk will be made illegal, I bet a few Lawyers will be pissed off when the day comes.
    Mr. Spitzer is fetching it nearer

    YouTrek

  18. #18
    Content $ Queen Ebudae's Avatar
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    Dear Uk - Texas is not a "shire" - it is a republic and shall remain so in the event of your "takeover"

    Also, we demand that BBC return Eastenders to us so we don't have to pay extra to get it on Dish. And please do something about "Albert Square" in Walford - it is dissapointing when we visit and the cab driver informs us there is no such thing. I mean really, when you visit Texas, you can see the real South Fork!

    Cheers

    Ebudae


  19. #19
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
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    I'm sure the Clintons -Al Gore and John Kerry are more then willing to host the disgruntled Brit Elite fox hunters for an Arkansas wild boar hunts. It's a BYOB (Bring your own beer) event, but horses, paint guns and boar hunting poodles will be furnished.
    Webmaster's... Mike and Charlie

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  20. #20
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by EcomCity.com:
    I'm sure the Clintons -Al Gore and John Kerry are more then willing to host the disgruntled Brit Elite fox hunters for an Arkansas wild boar hunts. It's a BYOB (Bring your own beer) event, but horses, paint guns and boar hunting poodles will be furnished. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Late breaking news: Actually fox hunting is to be banned in the UK from next February.

    Blair was trying it put it off till after the next General Election but got ambushed by the back bench MPs in his party, and one side effect of that is that we could be heading for a hung parliament at the next election.

    (we can have a hung parliament as we have three main parties, plus a few minority ones)

    Les

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