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December 22nd, 2004, 05:45 AM #1
Time Vine's finest, a UK guy
I used to file my finger nails, then I thought â€śWhatâ€™s the point in keeping them.â€ť
Black Beauty, he was a dark horse.
Exit signs, theyâ€™re on the way out.
Iâ€™ve got a sponge door. Donâ€™t knock it.
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if Iâ€™m wrong.
Iâ€™m so lazy Iâ€™ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
Do you know what makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
I was going to write my will today, but then I thought lifeâ€™s too short.
Iâ€™m a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
I bought some Armegeddon cheese today, and it said on the packet â€śBest Before End.â€ť
Did you know all male tennis players are witches? Even that bloke Goran, even heâ€™s a witch.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said â€śAnalogue.â€ť I said â€śNo, just a watch.â€ť
I went into a shop and I said â€śCan someone sell me a kettle.â€ť The bloke said â€śKenwood?â€ť I said â€śWhere is he?â€ť
So I went in to a pet shop. I said â€śCan I buy a goldfish?â€ť The guy said â€śDo you want an aquarium?â€ť I said â€śI donâ€™t care what star sign it is.â€ť
So I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow. I phoned her up and I said â€śDid you get my drift?â€ť
I was in the supermarket and this man and woman were wrapped in a bar code. I said â€śAre you two an item?â€ť
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. Heâ€™s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him â€śIâ€™m frightened of lapels.â€ť He said â€śYouâ€™ve got cholera.â€ť
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I canâ€™t remember his name, itâ€™s P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldnâ€™t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
One of my favourite games is Blind Manâ€™s Buff. Itâ€™s when you find a blind man and you polish him.
Do you ever get that feeling when youâ€™re halfway through eating a horse when you think â€śIâ€™m not as hungry as I thought I was.â€ť
I went in to a travel agents and I said â€śI want to book a flight at short notice.â€ť The girl said â€śYouâ€™ve just missed it.â€ť
So I said to my mate â€śI donâ€™t know whether to give my dog a bone or a tin of dog food.â€ť He said â€śWhatâ€™s the dogâ€™s name?â€ť I said â€śNick Nack Paddy Whack.â€ť
So I went to this hotel and the receptionist asked â€śDo you have a reservation?â€ť I said â€śYes, Iâ€™m worried about the price.â€ť
My mate asked me â€śWhat do you think of voluntary work?â€ť I said â€śI wouldnâ€™t do it if you paid me.â€ť
So I met this rabbit today and he said â€śAre you looking at me?â€ť It was Rabbit de Niro.
He was male rabbit, and he said â€śIâ€™m not going any further.â€ť I said â€śSo the buck stops here.â€ť
He chopped off one of his feet, I said to him â€śThatâ€™s lucky.â€ť
People who threaten you and demand your money. You have to hand it to them.
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said â€śYou donâ€™t need a tin opener to peel a banana.â€ť He said â€śNo, this is for the custard.â€ť
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said â€śI want you to trace someone for me.â€ť
I went in to a shop and I said â€śHow much are your beds?â€ť He said â€ś98 99.â€ť I aid â€śMake your mind up.â€ť
I said to him â€śIâ€™m not sure.â€ť He said â€śDo you want to sleep on it?â€ť
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I was in the hairdressers today and my fatherâ€™s sister came in and she was spinning around. I thought â€śOh, my giddy aunt.â€ť
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said â€śTenpin?â€ť I said â€śNo, itâ€™s a permanent job.â€ť
Then I took her for a candle lit dinner, and everything was undercooked.
So I told my mum that Iâ€™d opened a theatre. She said â€śAre you having me on?â€ť I said â€śWell Iâ€™ll give you an audition, but Iâ€™m not promising you anything.â€ť
Anyone here remember the Ayatollah? Haw many?
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went Tâ€™PAU! I said â€śDonâ€™t you mean KAPOW?â€ť He said â€śNo, Iâ€™ve got china in my hand.â€ť
I asked Sting if he could help me to read music, because I keep pronouncing it MUSSIC.
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them â€śCan I have a skip outside my house?â€ť He said â€śIâ€™m not stopping you.â€ť
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says â€śAudi.â€ť
I left home and my mum said â€śDonâ€™t forget to write.â€ť I said â€śCome on, itâ€™s the basic skills.â€ť
So I used to work in Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in one day and he said â€śGive me a couple of whoppers.â€ť I said â€śYouâ€™re good looking and your musicals are great.â€ť
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said â€śNearest the bull goes first.â€ť He went â€śBaahâ€ť and I went â€śMoo.â€ť He said â€śYouâ€™re closest.â€ť
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought thatâ€™s Aboriginal.
When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be comedian. He told me to go and practise in the bath. He gave the same advice to my brother. Unfortunately he wanted to be an electrician.
So this bloke said to me â€śDo you agree with arranged marriages?â€ť I said â€śYes I do. I went to a marriage once that hadnâ€™t been arranged and it was chaos.â€ť
I was in the cinema watching a very sad film and this bloke behind me started wailing. Then I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.
I went into the butcher shop and the butcher said â€śI bet you canâ€™t reach those pieces of meat that are hanging from the ceiling.â€ť I said â€śI wonâ€™t bet you, the steaks are too high.â€ť
I went to the doctor. He said â€śYouâ€™ve got hypochondria.â€ť I said â€śNot that as well.â€ť
I told him â€śDoctor, I think the whole world is against me.â€ť He said â€śOK lads, heâ€™s in here.â€ť
My dad has his kidney hanging from his elbow, his liver is attached to his right knee, and his spleen sits on his head. Still, his hearts in the right place.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me Iâ€™d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say Iâ€™d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said â€śI careered off the road.â€ť
I see the price of hearing aids is going up. Deaf people all over the country are shouting â€śHow much?â€ť
And I never thought I would hear myself saying that.
I met this bloke and he was chatting up a cheetah. I thought â€śHeâ€™s trying to pull a fast one.â€ť
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. Itâ€™s tiny you couldnâ€™t swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
Then I got home and there was this burglar, and he was ironing my shirts. So I hit him. Well youâ€™ve got to strike while the iron is hot.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said â€śEurostar.â€ť I said â€śWell Iâ€™ve been on telly but Iâ€™m no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said â€śHow flexible are you?â€ť I said â€śI canâ€™t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.
So I went to the local video shop and I said â€śCan I take out The Elephant Man?â€ť He said â€śHeâ€™s not your type.â€ť I said â€śHow about Batman Forever?â€ť He said â€śNo, youâ€™ll have to bring it back tomorrow.â€ť
December 22nd, 2004, 05:54 AM #2
- Join Date
- January 18th, 2005
- St Clair Shores MI.
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