Results 1 to 2 of 2
  1. #1
    Full Member markschok's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 17th, 2005
    Time Vine's finest, a UK guy

    I used to file my finger nails, then I thought “What’s the point in keeping them.”
    Black Beauty, he was a dark horse.
    Exit signs, they’re on the way out.
    I’ve got a sponge door. Don’t knock it.
    You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
    I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
    Do you know what makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
    I was going to write my will today, but then I thought life’s too short.
    I’m a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
    I bought some Armegeddon cheese today, and it said on the packet “Best Before End.”
    Did you know all male tennis players are witches? Even that bloke Goran, even he’s a witch.
    So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
    I went into a shop and I said “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood?” I said “Where is he?”
    So I went in to a pet shop. I said “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said “Do you want an aquarium?” I said “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
    So I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow. I phoned her up and I said “Did you get my drift?”
    I was in the supermarket and this man and woman were wrapped in a bar code. I said “Are you two an item?”
    I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
    I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said “You’ve got cholera.”
    So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
    I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
    One of my favourite games is Blind Man’s Buff. It’s when you find a blind man and you polish him.
    Do you ever get that feeling when you’re halfway through eating a horse when you think “I’m not as hungry as I thought I was.”
    I went in to a travel agents and I said “I want to book a flight at short notice.” The girl said “You’ve just missed it.”
    So I said to my mate “I don’t know whether to give my dog a bone or a tin of dog food.” He said “What’s the dog’s name?” I said “Nick Nack Paddy Whack.”
    So I went to this hotel and the receptionist asked “Do you have a reservation?” I said “Yes, I’m worried about the price.”
    My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
    So I met this rabbit today and he said “Are you looking at me?” It was Rabbit de Niro.
    He was male rabbit, and he said “I’m not going any further.” I said “So the buck stops here.”
    He chopped off one of his feet, I said to him “That’s lucky.”
    People who threaten you and demand your money. You have to hand it to them.
    So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said “No, this is for the custard.”
    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said “I want you to trace someone for me.”
    I went in to a shop and I said “How much are your beds?” He said “98 99.” I aid “Make your mind up.”
    I said to him “I’m not sure.” He said “Do you want to sleep on it?”
    So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
    I was in the hairdressers today and my father’s sister came in and she was spinning around. I thought “Oh, my giddy aunt.”
    So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said “No, it’s a permanent job.”
    Then I took her for a candle lit dinner, and everything was undercooked.
    So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said “Are you having me on?” I said “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
    Anyone here remember the Ayatollah? Haw many?
    So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?” He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
    I asked Sting if he could help me to read music, because I keep pronouncing it MUSSIC.
    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said “I’m not stopping you.”
    So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi.”
    I left home and my mum said “Don’t forget to write.” I said “Come on, it’s the basic skills.”
    So I used to work in Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in one day and he said “Give me a couple of whoppers.” I said “You’re good looking and your musicals are great.”
    So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said “Nearest the bull goes first.” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo.” He said “You’re closest.”
    So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.
    When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be comedian. He told me to go and practise in the bath. He gave the same advice to my brother. Unfortunately he wanted to be an electrician.
    So this bloke said to me “Do you agree with arranged marriages?” I said “Yes I do. I went to a marriage once that hadn’t been arranged and it was chaos.”
    I was in the cinema watching a very sad film and this bloke behind me started wailing. Then I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.
    I went into the butcher shop and the butcher said “I bet you can’t reach those pieces of meat that are hanging from the ceiling.” I said “I won’t bet you, the steaks are too high.”
    I went to the doctor. He said “You’ve got hypochondria.” I said “Not that as well.”
    I told him “Doctor, I think the whole world is against me.” He said “OK lads, he’s in here.”
    My dad has his kidney hanging from his elbow, his liver is attached to his right knee, and his spleen sits on his head. Still, his hearts in the right place.
    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road.”
    I see the price of hearing aids is going up. Deaf people all over the country are shouting “How much?”
    And I never thought I would hear myself saying that.
    I met this bloke and he was chatting up a cheetah. I thought “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”
    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
    Then I got home and there was this burglar, and he was ironing my shirts. So I hit him. Well you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot.
    I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar.” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said “How flexible are you?” I said “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.
    So I went to the local video shop and I said “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.”

  2. #2
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    St Clair Shores MI.
    Merry Christmas to you to... and don't bogart that joint!
    Webmaster's... Mike and Charlie

    "What have you done today to put real value into a referral click...from a shoppers viewpoint!"

  3. Newsletter Signup

+ Reply to Thread

Similar Threads

  1. Hello and Merry Christmas
    By kat1911 in forum Introduce Yourself
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: December 22nd, 2010, 10:06 AM
  2. Merry Merry Christmas ABW Family
    By Nova in forum Virtual Family and Off-Topic
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: December 26th, 2004, 05:36 AM
  3. Merry Christmas!
    By westgroup in forum Midnight Cafe'
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: December 25th, 2004, 11:27 AM
  4. Merry Merry Christmas!!!!!
    By amanda_mytights in forum Commission Junction - CJ
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: December 24th, 2004, 05:18 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts