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  1. #1
    ABW Ambassador JoyUnltd's Avatar
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    Christmas Downsizing
    Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

    1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

    2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

    3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

    4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

    5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

    6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

    7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

    8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

    9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

    10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

    11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

    12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

    Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

    Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
    Renée
    Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain. -Wizardress of Oz

  2. #2
    OPM and Moderator Chuck Hamrick's Avatar
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    To further this the title "Twelve Days of Christmas" is under review due to a lawsuit by the ACLU. Alternatives considered are:

    "Happy Solstice (satisfies the pagans)
    "Good Yule" (no one knows what a yule is anyway)
    "Happy Festivus" (sounds Latin)

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  4. #3
    ABW Ambassador JoyUnltd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck Hamrick View Post
    To further this the title "Twelve Days of Christmas" is under review due to a lawsuit by the ACLU. Alternatives considered are:

    "Happy Solstice (satisfies the pagans)
    "Good Yule" (no one knows what a yule is anyway)
    "Happy Festivus" (sounds Latin)
    I am so over all those PC folks who took the Christmas out of Holiday!
    Renée
    Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain. -Wizardress of Oz

  5. #4
    OPM and Moderator Chuck Hamrick's Avatar
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    I am so over all those PC folks who took the Christmas out of Holiday!
    Was just playing along, I say Merry Christmas to everyone!

  6. #5
    ...and a Pirate's heart. Convergence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoyUnltd View Post
    I am so over all those PC folks who took the Christmas out of Holiday!
    This is still my favorite:

    Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

    I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.

    This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
    Salty kisses, Sandy toes, and a Pirate's heart...

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  8. #6
    OPM and Moderator Chuck Hamrick's Avatar
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    We are thinking of you all, our dear family and friends who we count as family too. Happy Gratitude and Indigenous Peoples Rights Day to you all! Feeling grateful for the loving and close family we have in our lives on this day and reflecting on the example native americans gave of sharing food with the starving pilgrims, even though harmed by them.
    I actually got this as a Thanksgiving card from a good friend's wife!

  9. #7
    ...and a Pirate's heart. Convergence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chuck Hamrick View Post
    I actually got this as a Thanksgiving card from a good friend's wife!
    Was that a preprinted card or was that added by the sender?

    I'm a pretty tolerant person - but I would have to comment on that one to my good friend

    PS: Thanksgiving Cards? WTG Hallmark!
    Salty kisses, Sandy toes, and a Pirate's heart...

  10. #8
    OPM and Moderator Chuck Hamrick's Avatar
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    Personal note on an eCard. He is my friend and she comes along as the baggage. Actually she is a great gal we just don't talk religion, politics, history, current events, cats, music, vegans, lesbians, colors, flowers or that gulping sound you make before you .

  11. #9
    ...and a Pirate's heart. Convergence's Avatar
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    Rofl...
    Salty kisses, Sandy toes, and a Pirate's heart...

  12. #10
    ABW Ambassador JoyUnltd's Avatar
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    Chuck, I realized that, lol! And rofl on the T-Day card + gulping sounds....that is obnoxious beyond all belief (not the sounds, what she wrote).

    Convergence, roflmao...yep, that's the best yet! New fave, for sure.

    Oh dear, I hope this chuckle isn't getting toooooooo political?!
    Renée
    Pay no attention to that woman behind the curtain. -Wizardress of Oz

  13. #11
    ...and a Pirate's heart. Convergence's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoyUnltd View Post
    Oh dear, I hope this chuckle isn't getting toooooooo political?!
    That would be un-political...
    Salty kisses, Sandy toes, and a Pirate's heart...

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