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  1. #1
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    CLOSE RELATIVE - Wants a Piece of the PIE!!

    This HURTS My HEART and I need you guys advice PLEASE.

    Has anyone who is making money online experienced this? I have a very close relative that I confided in about my good fortune and prosperous internet business. This relative now wants and expects me to build sites that will earn money for them on the same level as mine. We all know how hard it is to manage our own stuff and get to the top. This relative does not know didely about the internet and/or affiliate marketing, or even to much about the computer for that matter therefore, I am expected to do ALL the work. In the beginning I built them 3 sites which are now pulling in about $300 a month for this person who has to do absolutely nothing. I am not a selfish person - but I just don't have the time right now. Not to mention it's a conflict of interest. Now this person is saying they are going to go to school and learn how to do all this. Whose to say they won't outbid me or become my competitor. I really love this person and tried to explain that I am in the middle of building my business right now and simply don't have time to do for them what I have takin 4 years to do for myself. But ensured this person that if I make it big, that they will to because I will make sure I take care of them. But somehow I just don't feel as though this is good enough.

    Prior to all this, this person had their own interest and was trying to get me to come aboard. I was not making money at that time however, I still was not interested. I told them I was a web designer and that's what I was going to do. They shrugged it off like my loss. Then 4 months later they see me doing swell, now it's "oh, I want to do that." Just like a kid who doesn't want a toy and then sees someone else having lots of fun with it and trys to take it.

    And not to mention that in the past this person would hardly ever help me with my children when I needed help as far as babysitters, etc it was always a big long speech first about how busy they were and then finally - "but you can bring them down". Who the hell wants you to watch the kids after all that.

    I can't even confide in this person anymore and when I do, I do it with hesitation. My boyfriend says it's wrong the way the person is behaving. What should I do? What would you do? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif[/img]

  2. #2
    Assistant Regional Manager Rik's Avatar
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    Tell the person to read this post, I think you sum up everything very nicely. I won't tell you what I'd personally do because when it comes to me and relatives (not immediate family) I give it totally straight and usually say no, go away or #$%@.

    It's a new skill I've aquired over the last couple of years and it works well for me because it gets me out of family gatherings.

    Just be honest Jada and emphasize the fact that it's a lot of hard work.

    Good Luck <IMG src=http://www.abestweb.com/ubb/icons/icon7.gif>

  3. #3
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    Rick - This person is immediate family. Although I am still building sites for this person - Site #4 - this is the last one. I just don't have time and it's very stressful. Even though I don't have the time to duplicate my business for someone else - I still am more than happy to help this person financially without them even asking.

    I just wrote a check for them for $100 just because. Money is the root of all evil is what they told me. Okay well why have you asked me to duplicate my business for you then. But if I prosper I will no doubt share my blessings with this person. But for them to expect me to do for them what took me YEARS to do for myself, I think is just very WRONG. You don't see Allen Iverson's mom saying "Allen teach me how to play basketball". Or J-Lo's dad saying "J-Lo teach me how to sing." No, that is your child's blessing and from that you shall prosper too.

  4. #4
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    That's tough, Jada. But look at this this way. Supposed you had build a store from scratch (I mean a tangible store on a building) and did well, would this person ask you to build them another store for them? I think not. Too bad internet businesses don't get viewed that way.

    If this person wants to study web design, that's fair enough, but you don't have to feel obligated to share all your secrets with anyone. I know you are very kind, but this is your livelihood, so don't feel bad about it. You are not being unfair at all.

  5. #5
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    I have to say i feel sorry for you. You obviously care for this person a lot but you can't let this happen all the time they would like a site. Simply try to explain to them that you don't have a lot of time and tell them that part of the fun and enjoyment in making the sites is the learning and getting your first pay cheque for a site you've done all yourself - the satisfaction of it all. Even offer to give them a couple of lessons and let them know you're there for a hand if they need it. Encourage them also to go to a class or two or even learn it off a couple of websites ( www.htmlgoodies.com is a good site for beginners tutorials)

    Hope this helps [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

  6. #6
    ABW Founder Haiko de Poel, Jr.'s Avatar
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    Jada,

    I'm not quite sure of your EXACT question, but I will comment this:

    YOU do your own work ... you reap your own rewards or experience the failures from it! Period! There are no free lunches for anyone! You would be a complete FOOL to duplicate all your marketing efforts and GIVE it away to anyone! Guidance and advice are more than sufficient! As such I recommend that you, immediately terminate any web design for this person and NEVER do it again, because, once you eat sh[b]i[/i]t .... you'll have it for breakfast, lunch and diner EVERYDAY, and trust me NO ONE will respect you.

    Haiko

  7. #7
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Just like a kid who doesn't want a toy and then sees someone else having lots of fun with it and trys to take it.

    And not to mention that in the past this person would hardly ever help me with my children when I needed help as far as babysitters, etc it was always a big long speech first about how busy they were and then finally - "but you can bring them down". Who the hell wants you to watch the kids after all that.

    I can't even confide in this person anymore and when I do, I do it with hesitation. My boyfriend says it's wrong the way the person is behaving.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    your boyfriend is quite right, i cant belive that your building another site for this person

    jada, just say "no" the most successful people are often seen as ruthless and thats the way you're gonna havta be, remind this person that they are already raking in $300 per/mo because of you and tell him/her to get off their butt and go to school/colledge and learn for themself

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>You don't see Allen Iverson's mom saying "Allen teach me how to play basketball". Or J-Lo's dad saying "J-Lo teach me how to sing." <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    <font face="puppylike">hey, you answered your own question baby</font>

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>do you think i got rich by writing checks? - bill gates<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

  8. #8
    ABW Ambassador webmarm's Avatar
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    While not involving relatives, I can relate to your dilemna, Jada. I had one acquaintance who is a bit of a jackie of all trades and she took a graphics course last year. I was designing sites, and at the beginning I looked for folks to do the graphics. When I found that most people really wanted me to hand feed them and tell them what to do, I learned Photoshop for myself (now, if I had a drop of graphic creativity, that would be better). This person asked me to look at some stuff that her graphics teacher had praised all to high heaven, and she wanted to try to look into work on the net.



    I am a fiercely self motivated person. I like to help people, but I need them to take what I give them and run on their own. This person brought me some photo touch ups. She wanted to know about how to find work on the web in it, so I steered her to elance.com, since I knew another young lady in town (who was actually more a database person, but could do Flash and site design as well) had found plenty of work there. Well, the first lady with the graphics came back a month later asking me to show her how to use elance. I stared at her and said, "Sorry, I don't need to use this site, you do. I am not going to sit here and take my time to teach you how to navigate this site."


    She wanted to learn HTML, I told here where I learned it (www.pagetutor.com), even showed her where some old downloads of the tutorial were on-line to download...she just called after about 4 months that she wants me to look at what she did, since the title doesn't show up....sigh. I showed her how to use ShoeString Dicer and gave her a copy on disk so she wouldn't even have to download it (she says it doesn't work for her...I'll be she didn't read the instructions).


    There is a lot of unemployment where I'm living, and I dearly do want to show a few friends how to do this without it taking them two years to get a cj whistle. After this call from the one with the graphics (or not), I decided that anyone I sit down to help (and only after the big holiday shopping season), must pass a pre-requisite of putting up one page on a free server. If they can't manage that with information from my own content site, then I am not going to have patience, and they are not looking to make it their own. If they can manage it, then it's up and away.


    I'm not actually worried about competition so much. I see that everyone finds their own style and their own way of getting things to work. I want to get across to them that my ball of wax looks one way, but their final ball of wax will look different. But it will be successful if they listen up.


    So I guess this rambling was to say, I agree that it seems wrong for someone to say "you make it for me". Give them those sites, a nice gift. Tell them the truth that right now the business takes a ton of time, just like any store this time of year. If they truly want to learn this stuff, between learning basic site building skills and looking at what you've handed them, they should be able to build their own ball of wax. If not, then they should thank you for the check and be grateful.

    JMO.

  9. #9
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    Jada
    I help a couple of people I know who are starting out because I don't want them waste a year getting 10 hits a day, but the ideas and work are down to them.
    Your situation sounds really difficult, but you need to back off a little.. they can't just live off your hard work.
    One of the keys to making money online is having your own ideas, and that is something your relative will have to get into their head..
    Maybe buy them this book for xmas, it's an easy read paperback with no techy stuff http://www.jasonkelly.com/onli ne_b. html

    (not an affiliate link..)

    [ 11-08-2001: Message edited by: Spiderman ]

  10. #10
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    I encourage family to get involved. If you do it right you all make more money and there is a pool of ideas rather than just one person working inside a box. The key is to develop management skills. It is an investment.

  11. #11
    Resident Genius and Staunch Capitalist Leader's Avatar
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    Jada--I had my aunt try that same bit--trying to get me to make her some sites. Right away I said NO WAY! She tried all kinds of guilt tactics (which work backwards with me--as in, it's NO in even bigger type when someone tries that rot!) to no avail. Of course there was a big WAR!!! But now she doesn't ask me for any more computer info, sites, etc.! And we still get along okay at family gatherings. Even though the very next get-together was a bit prickly, she has realized that she is not going to get any free sites, and therefore things have normalized.

    Your relative sounds very similar. Strengthen your will and say NO, and don't let her shout you down/guilt you out!!!

    BTW, if someone said that to me when I handed them a check, I'd put a stop order on it.

  12. #12
    ABW Founder Haiko de Poel, Jr.'s Avatar
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Even though the very next get-together was a bit prickly, she has realized that she is not going to get any free sites, and therefore things have normalized.
    Your relative sounds very similar.

    Strengthen your will and say NO, and don't let her shout you down/guilt you out!!!
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Absolutely! (maybe I will get the bold right this time [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] )

    Haiko

  13. #13
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    This reminds me of a comment I read once by a fellow who had won a big lottery prize. "I didn't change," he said, "but my friends sure did!"

    Jada, from your description I'd say you have done plenty and don't need to feel the least bit guilty if you say no to doing more.

    If what you have done is not enough to convince that person that it's worth learning what it takes to do it themselves, then he/she is simply a freeloader and you need to learn how to defend yourself. Be as gracious as possible, but be firm.

    I think Webmistress's comment about only working with those who have already proven their desire and basic competency is wise. Sharing advice and ideas with people who are prepared to do their own work and learn as they go is an investment, not charity. But they must be prepared to "bring something to the party" with their own efforts and learning.

    I would say your first obligation is to provide for your children's future and your own security. If you have something to share after that, then great. But it would probably be a better use of your skills and knowledge if you just kept on building your own sites and shared $$ on occasion for specific constructive purposes, rather than giving away too much in terms of sites etc.

    Just a few thoughts,

    Elisabeth Archambault

  14. #14
    ABW Veteran Student Heyder's Avatar
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    I hear ya Jada, loud and clear.

    I have a relative with a very small business that expected me to put a site together for her. I was willing until she wanted a very complicated site with thousands of images (that I had to take) and a shopping cart to boot.

    And all of this for the grand prize of -----Zilch notta nothing. Yeah bight me!

    [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

    Of course like you said all the relatives act like you are a looser or just plain ignore you for doing what you do online.

    Leader has been my inspiration for some time now. She had said she loves to watch the cars go by at 5 am.

    Anyways about the relative, you have to get tough and say you don't have time to do extra work and still have enough time for your family (stress the family bleading heart part) The family time thing will kill her in one shot. Maybe put a tear in your eye while saying it.

    Oh I wish I could but my poor little kids just don't get enough mom time.

    Good luck

    [ 11-08-2001: Message edited by: Heyder ]

  15. #15
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    Hmm...sounds backward for me....
    If it's an immediate relative...I can easily say to learn that him/her self because it's a lot of work and can not be duplicated.

    If it's not an immediate relative...I found it hard to reject their request ....hehehe...at least I will give them something....but not a lot.....LOL

    Next time if I am successful, I will be quite and don't tell anyone....

    Jada:
    Here is a quote,
    "Give a man a cookie, then he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to bake a cookie, then he'll eat it for the rest of his life."
    -Basically you teach them how to do it, and ask them to learn web design by themselves.

    Don't worry about him/her outbid you, since he needs a lot of experience needed in order for him to be successful and experience can not be bought just like that. See, there will be a lot of copycat but the original will mostly win.

    If you really care about this person, then you should try to educate this person to have a better attitude and not "using" their own relatives. Better watch him/her closely, since if this person does not hesitate to use you, then this person will defenitely will not hesitate to SCAM/hurt/use anyone else, and this will definitely hurt your feeling.

    If you know that money is not everything, then you should teach this to this person also.

  16. #16
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    Jada,
    U Got An Almost Common Problem to me. But i deal it the hard way. My Dad's Sisters And Brothers Are all curious as to what exactly have i been doing this. And they keep asking me my secrets. At First i took it lightly then i just was a bit too harsh saying just this line " A Businessman never ever reveals his secrets. Try Finding it out your own way".


    That's all they don't intefere. As for your relatives. You could Say " My Sites Are Mine. I am one of the top web desingers. One page = 2000$ "

    Or Else " See My Dear goody goody relative. Where were u when i needed u ? Now i certainly don't need u, its you who are trying to earn and put me out of business of my own hardwork that i put into. So, Why do u expect me to be with you."

    Your Bf's right ! In a practical world like it is today... Money has taken over relations. Not in all cases, but u got to be what u got to be , with people how they deserved to be treated."

    ASk him/her to go and learn it "Him/her self"
    And then do it alone. Don't Reveal ur business secrets. I will never build my own competition. That's Not right JADA.

    Take Care
    Just Tell Himher to forget about doing this. Its gonna be tough. But u gotta be prepared and ready to face him, just needs a 1st line of being bold enough, your confidence to tackle him/her will increase in ur speech.

    Regards
    TGO

    Oh it's True JADA

  17. #17
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    Jada,

    I totally understand your delima! I had my parents, my sister and my friends ask me to hook them up. I did it for my parents because they are using the money to pay off credit card debt. My sister on the other hand is a pain in my @ss. She says she wants the money so her and her boyfriend can travel. I found this odd since they make a combined total of almost $100,000 per year. They shouldn't need any money.
    She seemed to think that if I came there for a weekend I would be able to show her how to do everything. (she barely knows how to read her email.) I think she will end up giving up on it real soon. She thought it would be easy "free" money.
    My last girlfriend thought I should buy her everything. She was at college in Minneapolis and I was in Illinois. I ended up spending around $1,000 per month for around a year. (traveling, dates, hotels etc...) When we broke up and I said that I was sad that I invested my time and energy and money into a relationship that didn't work all she said, (and I am not kidding here) is "you can afford it!"
    In the end I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut about Affiliate Marketing to my friends and family. People need to realize that it is not our job to be everyone's personal finance savior. Money changes your friends and relatives, which is sad. I worked long hours to get where I am today.

    CoRe

  18. #18
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    I've got a different spin on this. I actually provide the hosting and know how for a couple of retirees so that they can supplement the measly 800 bucks a month they get from social security. It's really cool to see them get into writing web pages and bidding on GoneToHell and FindWhat. I set everything up for them, but they've taken the ball and run away with it. What do I get out of it? The fun of seeing them alive again instead of vegging on the coach and playing bingo and also seeing them not worry so much about money.

    However, I VOLUNTEERED to help them. They didn't rag and nag me about it. If they had, I doubt I would be very enthusiastic. Or cooperative.

    [ 11-08-2001: Message edited by: SpongeBo ]

  19. #19
    Content $ Queen Ebudae's Avatar
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    Jada, I have relatives like this too. Now, listen to an old lady, helping to learn is one thing -- doing all the work is another.

    Some people will always try to sponge off of you, but the key is -- if you let them. Saying NO is hard. You have to take care of yourself and kids first.

    You have done more than enough!! Quit feeling guilty and make a stand. It is not going to be easy for you are a nice person.

    Sometimes you have to just look at people and say, "they are the children of the family and I will treat them as such." You don't give in when a child stomps his foot and starts throwing a fit. That is basically what they are trying to do.

    Stand firm, know you are right, be polite but firm in your resolve.

    ((hugs))
    Been there, it gets easier!
    Vicki [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

  20. #20
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    Thank you everyone for all the comments - I would like to respond to some of them after I finish reading them. But you guys make me feel much better and I know now that I'm not being selfish and unreasonable. Thank you so much.

    Netsu - Excellent analogy. That's what I was feeling. Like wow, if I was a singer or architect would this person expect me to teach them this. No - you go to school and learn it.

    Webmistress - Omigauld, your experience is identical to mine. I have been trying to show this person everything. I told the person to buy FrontPage. Then even went out and brought them this really easy to follow Frontpage tutorial cd rom. They still were asking me well how do i make a hyperlink. Omigoodness, that is basic and it's all in the tutorial. They want me to spoon feed them and I just don't have the time now the patience. Then I tell them something and two days later its like, how do I do that again. I'm like omigauld - write it down. 'I did, but don't remember where I put it.' It's just ridiculous. This person looks at my sites and says it can't be that hard - no it's not THAT hard if you want to learn it and try to learn it. It took me like 4 years to learn everything and I started with building free sites. They don't even understand the search engines, the cj tools, nothing. I feel bad, but it's not my responsibility to teach right now. No one taught me - I taught myself.

    But I'm glad you can REALLY relate to what I'm going through Webmistress. It's the exact senario - except this person is like totally computer illiterate.

  21. #21
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    Jimbo - Do you encourage people who don't know jack didely about the computer to also get involved? People whose sites and traffic you will have to build and constantly maintain because they lack the motivation to do learn how to do it themselves. Now if this person was reading and learning the materials which I have supplied them with - no problem. I wouldn't mind helping them. But they are not. They can't even make a free site using the free site builder tool or follow the easy to use FrontPage tutorial. They don't even know how to put bids in a ppc. If anyone really wants to learn this stuff they can - all you have to do is read the instructions and even do a few tutorials. It's not rocket science, but if your'e in the mist of building an empire - it's alot of work. I have 35 sites to manage - 4 of which are this persons. I can't take on another one of anyone elses charity work right now.

    Myself like Webmistress is faced with a person who obviously does not even read the directions. The first time I went to a ppc I learned how to use it. No one guided me there. I found it, I read about it, and I followed the instructions for adding terms. I don't know if I'm just a computer genius or what - but I taught myself everything I know about webdesign and marketing and of course got great advice off the boards. And it wasn't that hard - I just followed the directions.

  22. #22
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    Leader - at least it's only your Aunt.

    It's my own MOTHER we are talking about. That's why it hurts so bad. I have built her sites (earning her $300 mth) - but I can't continue to do it. I just don't have time. Plus I give her money too and I don't even live with her and I'm a single parent. On top of all that, she won't learn the stuff I'm telling her she needs to learn. She can't even find time to follow the tutorial. She just wants to keep asking me questions then she doesn't understand my answers. I keep telling her I can't teach her in one week, one month, one year, what took me 4 years to learn.

    I love her to death, and my fame and fortune if ever oneday I acquire, will be hers as well. I just wish she'd understand and accept that.

    Now she's talking about taking some course which are oneday classes which cost like $300 bucks a pop. If she can't learn the tutorial, I don't think she'll be able to manage oneday classes. I'm going to encourage her to take at least a 3 or 4 week course.

  23. #23
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    Oh! Jada, what a dreadful situation they've put you in and it sad how they've taken advantage of your good nature.

    It's taken you a long time, and a great deal of hard work to get to this point
    Encourage them to learn web design and find their own path...and stop doing sites for them!

  24. #24
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    Haiko...Even your own mother. She knows all my markets and the fields she keeps talking about marketing are really close to mine. I trust her, but some of the things she does make me feel really uneasy about the whole situation. What should I continue to share and not share. Dang, it's really pathetic, this is my mother, you'd think she'd have her own interest and not want to totally capitalize on mine.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>You would be a complete FOOL to duplicate all your marketing efforts and GIVE it away to anyone!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

  25. #25
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    Thanks Buckworks - That quote about 'I didn't change but my friends did' fits my situation to a T. I am still the same. But boy have my friends and own mother changed. Everyone I have shared this business with expects me to build for them and duplicate my business. Meanwhile, other than my mom, none of them have done jack didely when I've needed help.

    I do have to be more stern and start saying NO. Once my mother starts taking some initiative and learning the tutorials, I will help her. But no more site designs. If she wants to be in this business, she has to put in the work. It's not as easy as she thinks. It is very time consuming as we all know.

    Dang - I wonder what DON C. STEITZ would say about this. LOL!!

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