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  1. #1
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    I received an email today. It was through Classmates.com. My ex-girlfriend who I dated for 5 years prior to meeting my wife sent me a message. it reads;

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>hey - just a quick note to say hi and hope all is well. you can email back if u want! bye-
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    The way Classmates.com works is that they do not give anyone your email address. The mail is sent through their server and it contains the senders email address. This gives the recepient the option to reply or ignore.

    So here is my question...

    Do I tell my wife about the email?

    I am up in the air about whether or not I want to reply to the ex-girlfriend. I love my wife and have no intentions of cheating on her. Then again, I would love the opportunity to brag to the "ex" about how great life is with my wife and family.

    I usually share everything with my wife. I think the decision to return the email or not should be made with her. But am I just asking for trouble? Some things (and people) are sometimes better off left in the past.

    Then again, I don't like to hide anything from my wife. The return e-mail address is from a free Yahoo account. What if one of my wife's wacky friends put the idea in her head to setup the Yahoo account and email me to see what I would do/how I would handle myself? My wife trusts me 100%, but most of her friends are divorced so I would not be surprised if this email is really a trap.

    What do I do???

  2. #2
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    I'd say tell your wife, whether or not you decide to respond. If you do respond, make a point of letting your wife read the letters, and make sure the person on the other end knows that. That would make absolutely sure that things stayed on the level of touching base with friends from the past, and -- equally important -- were *perceived* that way too.

    Your thoughts about someone "checking on you" are not totally paranoid, and the above strategy would likely work okay if that's what was happening, too.

    Just my two cents' worth,

    Elisabeth

  3. #3
    ABW Ambassador parentsworld's Avatar
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    Hell yeah, if you don't tell her then it's like you're hiding something rather than just contacting an old friend.

    I got an email last month though classmates from an old boyfriend. We emailed back and forth quite a bit and exchanged pictures of our kids.

    It's fun to touch base with your past, there's no reason to keep that a secret -- that's just asking for trouble!

  4. #4
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>What do I do???<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If you can't make this decision by yourself, I strongly recommend you ask someone who actually knows you and your wife. There is no "One Right Answer For All People In This Situation".

    Any such attempt at an answer provided here is a shot in the dark and just the opinion of people who know nothing about you and your situation.

    That said, my opinion is that if you operate out of a base of truth, you can be assured you are doing nothing wrong (that doesn't mean that everyone will like what you do).

    [ 04-08-2002: Message edited by: Cedric ]

  5. #5
    affiliate emeritus missdonna's Avatar
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    I'd say absolutely let her know. You could show her this thread.

    I reconnected with an old boyfriend via the internet a few years ago, after about 30 years. He found me by doing a search on my name. His wife and my husband were fine with it. Possibly the fact that he lives in Europe and I live in the US made it easier for them.

    If you trust her and she trusts you, you have to tell her. Otherwise she will have reason not to trust you in the future.

    My 2 cents worth, anyhow.

  6. #6
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    It's not even an option - You must tell your wife whether you decide to respond or not. Unless of course you have something to hide. But if you don't tell her and decide to respond without her knowing and she happens to find out oneday - I'd say you'd be in DEEP Do-Do!!! Just tell her.

  7. #7
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    Since your old girlfriend wrote "u" instead of "you", I advise that she's not worth contacting. And don't tell your wife or she'll question your judgment in dating a moron for 5 years. :-)

  8. #8
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    Thank you so much for all the great advice! I am going to tell her about the email and see where it goes from there.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Since your old girlfriend wrote "u" instead of "you", <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Actually Dignan, she knew quite well that it is spelled "you". Here in New York, it's just considered cool internet short-hand to write the letter "u" instead of the word "you" in emails and instant messages. It's not a sign of intelligence (or lack of).

  9. #9
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    Okay, here's the update...

    I told my wife, and even sent her a copy of the email. She was very happy that I shared it with her. Ironically, the woman who emailed me was not the ex-girlfriend who I dated for all those years. She was actually a different girlfriend with the same first name, someone who I had a very young & innocent brief relationship with.

    So all is well on the homefront. I feel good because I was honest with my wife. I was rewarded with the fact that it turned out to be someone who my wife definetly wouldn't mind emailing me.

    [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]

  10. #10
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    I reckon if in doubt sign the emails from both of you.


    I

  11. #11
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    I know, Seaslug. I was just making a point that usually 13 year old girls are the only ones who write "u" instead of "you." While it's not a sign of stupidity, I do think it's a sign of immaturity.

    Glad everything worked out for you, though.

  12. #12
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
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    Having BEEN married 3 times all I can add is the names of some good divorce attornies (theirs) when the resounding effects of blatent honesty finally comes to roost. Leave the red ants alone when camping, since pointing them out to the significant other with a stick just ruins the camp site choice you so carefully made.

  13. #13
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    Don't tell your wife [img]tongue.gif[/img]

  14. #14
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>usually 13 year old girls are the only ones who write "u" instead of "you."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Don't forget Prince

  15. #15
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    Sorry, you're right. I meant to add 43-year-old girls also.

  16. #16
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    glad it all worked out ...

    and, I'm still wondering how it's going with the "new neighbor" ... did you ever find out any more information on him?

  17. #17
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    Oh Yeah, I forgot to give the update on what I found out...

    It's not so bad. It's bad, but not REALLY bad. The guy went to jail for having an affair with his teenage step-daughter. It started when she was 12 and ended when she was 16. The relatives blew the whistle.

    Yes, it's bad, but at least I and my wife know that this guy does not have a histroy of abducting young kids from playgrounds or climbing into open windows in the middle of the night. The warning really is for sinfle moms out there with young daughters. The gov wants to make sure he does not have the opportunity to have another stepdaughter and do it all again.

    We learned all this through the neighborhood. The police were ZERO help. The limited info they gave the public only started trouble for the guy because every over-ambitous parent in the area has been driving by shouting threats and making the sex offender's life a living hell. Had they just told us what he did, we would have been more at ease.

    At least we can sleep at night now.

    Thanks for asking klynnnn

  18. #18
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    seaslug, I'm not a believer in promoting hysteria, but I am a believer in promoting safety.

    First, all you know about this man is what he got CAUGHT doing. You know nothing else about his history. Second, he RAPED a twelve year old girl. What on earth makes you think he'll only rape children in his own household?

    Anyone who suggests to you that a pedophile will only go after the children he is living with (because that's all they know he has done in the past) is leading you down a golden path that has no basis in reality.

    The rate of recidivism with pedophiles is through the roof and they don't generally follow guidelines such as "only people in my house are potential victims"...

    Don't buy into the neighborhood hysteria, but don't write this off as a non-issue.

  19. #19
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    Cedric, I think you might be overreacting.

    First off, having sex with a 12 year old girl is 100% WRONG. But there is quite a difference between someone who has consensual sex with his 12 year-old-stepdaughter and someone who breaks into someone's house, abducts a 12-year-old-girl, and rapes her.

    I realize there is a high rate or recidivism with pedophiles. But I think it's wrong to think that the guy in this case has a good chance of becoming the guy in my second example.

  20. #20
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    (sorry, posted twice accidentally)

    [ 04-10-2002: Message edited by: Dignan ]

  21. #21
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>consensual sex with his 12 year-old-stepdaughter<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Stepfathers don't have "consensual" sex with their 12 year old stepdaughters. It is rape.

    And I'm sorry to piss anyone off, but anyone who truly believes that this was an "affair" and this guy is not a threat to other children is living in an ignorant, but possibly blissful, fantasy world.

    Most sexual abuse does NOT involve stranger abduction -- that doesn't make the abuse that does occur any less devastating, harmful, destructive, life shattering -- the list goes on and on.

    It doesn't make it any less rape.

    And it sure as hell does not make such abuse an "affair". "Affair" is a bill of good sold buy the pedophile -- I don't recommend buying it.

  22. #22
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    Thanks Cedric.

    I guess it's easier to try to believe that this was a love affair as opposed to a rape. Rumor has it that she was a very mature and developed teenager who was upset that they even arrested him because she was in love with him. It's easier to believe that but the truth is that you are 100% correct. This guy is still a sick f*ck who I need to be very concerned about.

  23. #23
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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Rumor has it that she was a very mature and developed teenager who was upset that they even arrested him because she was in love with him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Sadly, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she did say that... wouldn't be surprised if she believed it.

    Who does the pedophile have the most control over? His victim. So who is most likely to buy his bill of goods after years of abuse? The victim. It's a common (though not the only) coping mechanism in cases of longterm abuse.

    But without serious longterm HELP, check in with her again in twenty years and see if she says the same. Without help she has the opportunity to look forward to a life of promiscuity, bulimia, self-mutilation, a string of abusive relationships, drug abuse, alcoholism, clinical depression, and more.

    Of course, she may choose to avoid all of those by opting for suicide.

    Seaslug, you lightened my heart by saying that this man is still an issue of concern -- I'm glad you'll keep your guard up around him.

  24. #24
    ABW Ambassador mousejockey's Avatar
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    Well said Cedric.

    This "man" and I use the term loosely, is a vile predator.
    A 12 year old no matter how well developed is a child and not equiped to commit emotionally nor physically.

    A child doesn't walk away from molestation or rape without carrying scars.

    Loss of innocence at 12...what is the price that should be paid, drawn and quartered if I had my way!


    <IMG src=http://www.abestweb.com/ubb/icons/icon8.gif>

  25. #25
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    Cedric - I don't disagree with you that "consensual" sex with a 12 year old is rape. But let's not kid ourselves into believing that all rape is equal.

    An 18-year-old girl who has "consensual" sex with her 17-year-old boyfriend is technically a "rapist"; so is a 40-year-old man who abducts an 8-year-old girl and sexually molests her. Which rapist would you be more concerned about if they both moved into your neighborhood?

    I'm not saying that seaslug44 shouldn't be concerned but like he said - "It's not so bad. It's bad, but not REALLY bad."

    I think your extrapolation that the new neighbor might have a history of sexual crimes and that he's likely to commit more is irresponsible. That being said, if he was my new neighbor I would have some concern.

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