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  1. #1
    Sgt. Joe Friday frank3iii's Avatar
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    Feelin old? Check these out.
    Sent to me by my OLD uncle.

    ------------------------------------------



    Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the

    best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No

    peer pressure."



    ------------------------------------------



    The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.



    ------------------------------------------



    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly

    widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"98," she replied. "Two years

    older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,

    "Hardly worth going home is it?"



    ------------------------------------------



    I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new

    knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear

    anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make

    me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have

    poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if

    I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my

    driver's license!



    ------------------------------------------



    A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my

    sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think

    your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're darned right it is!" replied

    the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"



    ------------------------------------------



    An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her

    final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she

    wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over

    Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

    "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."



    ------------------------------------------



    Three old guys are out walking.



    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"



    Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"



    Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



    ------------------------------------------



    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me

    four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect." "Really,"

    answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."



    ------------------------------------------



    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few

    days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous

    young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris

    and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just

    doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor

    said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

    ----------------------------------------------

    I can relate to some of these. Can you?

    Frank

  2. #2
    Moderator BurgerBoy's Avatar
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    Me too.

    She used to have the headaches.

    Now I have the headaches and just want to get some sleep at night.

    What I used to be able to do all night - now it takes me all night to do.


  3. #3
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
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    Okay, this really happened.

    My Mom said to me one day, "You know I used to wonder how retirees spent all their time. Now that Daddy and I have retired to Florida I've figured it out. They just go from one doctor's appointment to another all week long. Then on the weekends they organize their pill boxes!"

  4. #4
    Plazan Merchant Neil's Avatar
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    this is true ,,it happend to me, honest.
    it was back in the U.K.
    we took my ex girlfriends grandad to the pub one sunday afternoon for dinner,
    whilst having dinner , her mobile rang ,
    she answered it, spoke to her friend ,and hung up,
    grandad was watching all the time this was going on,,
    after she hung up, he asked who was that darling,
    she replied it was my friend grandad.
    he looked at her in amazment
    and asked????
    how did she know you were in the pub !!!!!...
    honest .....
    Neil

  5. #5
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
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    God do I love and fear these old folks jokes.
    Webmaster's... Mike and Charlie

    "What have you done today to put real value into a referral click...from a shoppers viewpoint!"

  6. #6
    Full Member Travelin Man's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
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    Excellent Frank. Ah, I'm not yet a senior but I experience those senior moments every once in a while. Sometimes they're pretty funny.
    Travelin' Man

    "If you don't know where you are going, any road will lead you there." -- unknown

  7. #7
    Member KrisKringle's Avatar
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    January 27th, 2005
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    Colorado
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    A few more:

    You know you're getting older when...

    When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

    You and your teeth don't sleep together.

    Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

    At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

    It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

    When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

    When happy hour is a nap.

    When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

    When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

    When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

    When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

    Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

    It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

    Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

    You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

    The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

    Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

    The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

    It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

    You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

    You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

    You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

    You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

    You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

    You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

    Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

    You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

    Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

    Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

    You look forward to a dull evening.

    Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

    Your back goes out more than you do.

    Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

    Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

    Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
    What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

    Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

    You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

    Middle age is the age halfway between your present age and 100...

    At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

    The ageing process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

    You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

    Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news;
    the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

    It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

    You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

    Last Will and Testament:
    Being of sound mind, I spent all my money!


    Great and Not So Great Truths
    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
    2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap, he will pay you to be happy

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

    GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

    1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
    2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
    3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
    4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
    5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
    7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


  8. #8
    ABW Veteran Mr. Sal's Avatar
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    Just one more:

    You know you're getting more older when...
    You only need 60 characters to write this:
    Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
    But now you use 81 characters to say the same thing:
    You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

  9. #9
    Member KrisKringle's Avatar
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    January 27th, 2005
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    Colorado
    Posts
    90
    DOh! (Wait that's Homer)

    As I said before, I never repeat myself

    A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

    Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    When blondes have more fun do they know it?

    My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

    If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

    Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

    Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

    Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

    As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

    I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


    Thanks again Mr. Sal .....

    PS: I also failed "The Mistake Test"
    See if you can read each line aloud without making any mistakes.
    If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

    This is this cat

    This is is cat

    This is how cat

    This is to cat

    This is keep cat

    This is an cat

    This is affiliate cat

    This is busy cat

    This is for cat

    This is forty cat

    This is seconds cat
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...


  10. #10
    Affiliate Manager
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    Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
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    146
    I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new

    knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear

    anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make

    me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have

    poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if

    I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my

    driver's license!


    This one is SOOO true. I had a Great Aunt who lived on her own and drove her own car until she was about 95 years old. Of course, this was before they changed the laws here in Ontario and I believe that now, after a certain age, you have to retest every year...

    Good jokes Frank3iii

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