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  1. #1
    Defender of Truth, Justice and the Affiliate Way
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    The Swamp
    Give Us Your Best Lawyer Jokes
    On the WebmasterRadio Show yesterday, Jason asked for your best lawyer jokes. It was rather surprising that we didn't receive any. And Jason really does love a good lawyer joke.

    So, post your best lawyer jokes here now. We'll have Jason come by a pick the Best Lawyer Joke (he should know since he's a lawyer). The winner will receive a free Pware T-shirt and I'll do a check on their site for them for baddies interfering. Merchants feel free to post also.

  2. #2
    ABW Ambassador
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    West Coast USA
    G SEARCH brings up 3 adwords ads that didn't exclude jokes. That is funny, maybe.

  3. #3
    15 years and counting
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    Donations To ABW (To start a Trade Organization)

    The local ABW office in the Swamp realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.

    "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through ABW."

    The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

    Embarrassed, the ABW rep mumbled, "Uh, no."

    "Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"

    The stricken ABW rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."

    "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"

    The ABW rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."

    The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"

    Found on the web

  4. #4
    I like traffic lights
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    Southern hemisphere - away from Fukushima
    What's the difference between a lawyer and a porcupine?

    No, hang on, that doesn't work.

  5. #5
    pph Expert! Gordon's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    Edmonton Canada
    whats the difference in a Lawyer and a parasite?

    oops do I need my lawer? LOL
    One day parasites and their ilk will be made illegal, I bet a few Lawyers will be pissed off when the day comes.
    Mr. Spitzer is fetching it nearer


  6. #6
    Full Member
    Join Date
    January 17th, 2005
    Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

    A: Professional courtesy.


  7. #7
    Member KrisKringle's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 27th, 2005
    He's probably heard these.......

    The Dumbest Things Ever Said In Court:

    Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

    Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

    What happened then?
    He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Did he kill you?

    Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

    The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    Were you alone or by yourself?

    What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    It indicates intercourse.
    Male sperm?
    That is the only kind I know.

    Can you describe the individual?
    He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Was this a male or female?

    How long have you been a French Canadian?

    How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

    Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    I went to Europe, sir.
    And did you take your new wife?

    Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

    I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    That's me.
    Were you present when that picture was taken?

    Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

    Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    By death.
    And by whose death was it terminated?

    Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    I'll be three months on November 8.
    Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    What were you doing at that time?

    Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    I used to be.
    How many times have you committed suicide?

    So you were gone until you returned?

    She had three children, right?
    How many were boys?
    Were there girls?

    You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

    You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Have you lived in this town all your life?
    Not yet.

    All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?

    Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    Yes, I have been since early childhood.

    Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
    It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
    No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

    A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
    "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
    "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

    It was so cold last winter I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

    What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?

    The Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

    Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
    They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

    Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

    What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?
    A Cadillac seats six

    Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
    Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

    What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
    A Doberman

    What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
    Not enough cement.

    What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand.

    What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
    A whine cellar.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
    A tick drops off you when you die.

    What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

    Out of Towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
    Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    How many can you afford?

    Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
    A1: Take your foot off his head.
    A2: No. Good!

    Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

    As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
    The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

    Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
    "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

  8. #8
    ABW Ambassador Doc Sawyer's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    Southern California Desert
    What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

    One is a smelly, slimey, beady-eyed, yellow-bellied bottom feeder
    and the other is a fish

  9. #9
    Full Member
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

    After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"

    But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

    "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

    The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
    "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't...You're right!" -Henry Ford-

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