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April 18th, 2005, 07:09 PM #1A Message From England
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus in order
for you to be properly governed, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas,
which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you have noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be eliminated. You
will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect
to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope
with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up "vocabulary").
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
2. There is no such thing as "American English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
care of such things as the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen".
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will
be called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German and Asian and Swedish cars, you
will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. You will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
"gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise or ketchup but with vinegar.
9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
"Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will,
in time, will be allowed to play rugby, which has some similarities to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" when it only involves the USA.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.One day parasites and their ilk will be made illegal, I bet a few Lawyers will be pissed off when the day comes.
Mr. Spitzer is fetching it nearer
April 19th, 2005, 08:33 AM #2
That is incredibly funny! Some people may not appreciate the humor (and truth) behind it, but I certainly do! God Save The Queen!~Lisa - Brilliant Mastermind, or Nut? You decide!
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