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  1. #1
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    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...
    Here's an example of the different thought processes between the sexes...plus a good insight of why some of our threads sometimes take a strange twist!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars,
    Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

    The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.

    The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

    The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

    There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

    THE STORY:

    (first paragraph by Rebecca)
    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)
    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    (Rebecca)
    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

    (Gary)
    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

    (Rebecca)
    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

    (Gary)
    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F-ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

    (Rebecca)
    *******.

    (Gary)
    *****.

    (Rebecca)
    F YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

    (Gary)
    Go drink some tea - whore.

    (TEACHER)
    A+ - I really liked this one.
    "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't...You're right!" -Henry Ford-

  2. #2
    ABW Ambassador Mike O's Avatar
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    As I got to the end I started laughing and laughing and laughing!

    Great!!

    -- Mike
    A joy shared is a joy doubled.
    A burden shared is a burden lightened.

  3. #3
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    So what planet are the females who side with Gary from?
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  4. #4
    ABW Ambassador AddHandler's Avatar
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    That is FUNNY.. I did actually LOL...

    Leader They are Called TOMBOYS.. and they come from all over!

  5. #5
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    That is Hilarious!

    Actually, I'm more inclined to write like Gary, though I wouldn't kill off the planet so quickly or so easily. There would be more twists, turns, and violence in the plot.

  6. #6
    The Eternal Optimist zimmy's Avatar
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    ...though I wouldn't kill off the planet so quickly or so easily. There would be more twists, turns, and violence in the plot.
    And here I was thinking that she should have just gone ahead and had the chamomile. It is such a relaxing tea...



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    The big shots are only the little shots who keep shooting.
    -Christopher Morley

  7. #7
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    This is hoalrious, I am going to print this out and show it to my eco prof. hahahahahahah

    I cant stop laughing hahhahah.

  8. #8
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    Actually, I'm more inclined to write like Gary, though I wouldn't kill off the planet so quickly or so easily. There would be more twists, turns, and violence in the plot.
    Me too, but I'm sure he was p*ssed that she killed off his character, so he wanted to blast her character back RIGHT THEN!

    And here I was thinking that she should have just gone ahead and had the chamomile. It is such a relaxing tea...
    Well, if she went ahead and had the tea, then, to make it interesting, the rest of the story would've had to have gone something like THIS, heh heh heh:

    She decided to go ahead and have the chamomile. As she sipped the delicious tea, she remembered just how it had ended with the ultra-possessive Carl. She imagined the scene again, him sitting at the outdoor cafe, daring to be jealous and angry that she hadn't shown up exactly when he had told her to be there.

    Then she pictured the look on his face when the black limo with her 'business associates' showed up...how his expression changed when the window slowly opened, revealing not her smiling face but Guido's, and instead of her hand waving, it was Guido's hand...holding his favorite machine gun and squeezing the trigger...

    "Ah," she sighed as she took the first sip...it's so good being the Godmother...


    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  9. #9
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    Continued...
    She decided to go ahead and have the chamomile. As she sipped the delicious tea, she remembered just how it had ended with the ultra-possessive Carl. She imagined the scene again, him sitting at the outdoor cafe, daring to be jealous and angry that she hadn't shown up exactly when he had told her to be there.

    Then she pictured the look on his face when the black limo with her 'business associates' showed up...how his expression changed when the window slowly opened, revealing not her smiling face but Guido's, and instead of her hand waving, it was Guido's hand...holding his favorite machine gun and squeezing the trigger...

    "Ah," she sighed as she took the first sip...it's so good being the Godmother...
    Carl looked up in annoyance as the black Limo approached the curb near the outside cafe' where he was sitting. As the window slid down, Carl spotted Guido's ugly, monkeyish face. Carl noticed the Uzi clutched in Guido's hairy hand. Carl immediately went into a sideways roll and extracted the sword from the sword cane he habitually carried. "Whoosh!" flashed the sword, severing Guido's hand still clutching the Uzi.
    As Laurie heard the front doorbell chime, she decided to answer the door herself, rather than risk letting the maid answer it. She was expecting a report from Guido, and did not want the servants to overhear. Carrying her soothing cup of chamomile tea, she answered the door. A uniformed messenger boy stood there. "Yesss?" Laurie asked, elevating a well-plucked eyebrow. "Package for Laurie M." replied the messenger. "Oh, very well." Laurie sighed. She carefully sat her cup of tea down on the hall table. She unwrapped the package. A severed hairy hand tumbled to the floor. Laurie recognized the ring on the severed hand. "That was Guido's ring...." she gasped. Stumbling backwards in shock, Laurie bumped into the hall table. The table tipped sideways, shattering her cup of soothing chamomile tea into a thousand pieces against the marble tiled floor.

    Next??
    "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't...You're right!" -Henry Ford-

  10. #10
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    "Damn that idiot Guido!" Laurie cursed. She never expected him to turn out to be such an incompetent boob. "Good help is SO hard to find these days. Now I'll have to have someone finish the job on him, before he can tell the feds who hired him!"

    She got out her diamond-studded cellphone. "Antonio? I have a Job for you...come over here so we can discuss it in private..."

    Once she was done making those arrangements, she considered what Carl had done to Guido. So he was good with a sword. That shouldn't have helped him any. Only an idiot would have pulled close enough for a sword swipe to work...

    By the time Antonio arrived, the maid had cleaned up the unfortunate remains of the teacup (Laurie disposed of the "other" remain herself, before calling for the maid), and Laurie was sitting regally on her settee. "Ah, Antonio," she said as he entered the room. "It seems I have two jobs for you..."

    Antonio's hand automatically went to the bulge in his jacket. A bulge which she knew corresponded to his Glock handgun. "Anything you want," he responded, with just the right amount of attentiveness. A true professional, Antonio had handled many jobs for The Family.

    "Seems Guido had an accident on his last assignment. He was...severely disfigured. It would be nice if he wasn't seen in such a state...by anyone..."

    "Ah yes. I will take care of that," promised Antonio.

    "Also, it seems that his unfortunate accident was caused by the animal he was hunting. Certainly *you* know enough to stay at a safe distance when hunting a dangerous animal, don't you? You can do a job without getting *yourself* in an accident, right??"

    "Of course," promised Antonio again.

    "Good. Let me know when you've bagged that animal, and taken care of Guido, and I will see to it that you are richly rewarded" said Laurie, with a closing gesture. Antonio got the message and headed for the door. Laurie watched with a cold smile as he drove away in his Porsche. She knew that Carl would not live through the night, now that she had sent someone with sense to bring him down. As for Guido, he was no real loss, considering he didn't have the sense to kill Carl from ACROSS the cafe with a hail of bullets!
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  11. #11
    Super Sh!t Stirrer SSanf's Avatar
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    Having taken care of her immediate concerns, Laurie decided to spend the rest of the day relaxing in her garden and enjoying the delightful smell of the chamomile which grew with such profusion on the small raised berm at the edge of the fish pond. Funny how sitting there drinking tea always evoked memories of Shawn, her lover before Carl. She smiled inwardly as she remembered everyone's consternation at the way Shawn left without saying goodbye or even leaving a note about how to contact him or when he would be back in touch. Well, that was Shawn for you. He was never known for being overly thoughtful. "Good men are so hard to find", she thought. Thankfully, Laurie was pretty good at weeding out the bad ones.

    Laurie thought about how good it felt to be in tune with nature and how cute the fish were as they competed to clean every scrap off the chain saw chain when she lowered it into the pond for them. Getting up that oil slick had been a pain, though. Thank goodness for absorbent paper towels. Luckily all the fish survived. She would have hated losing any of her precious fish.
    Comments are opinion unless otherwise noted. Remember, pillage first. Then burn. Half of all people in the world have IQs under 100. You best learn to trust ol' SSanf!

  12. #12
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    The saga continues
    Carl, watching through binoculars as Laurie sat by her fishpond, had no idea that his half-brother Shawn had been consigned to a watery grave. Carl lowered his binoculars, deep in thought.

    Antonio had turned out to be just as inept and clumsy as Guido. Carl had simply carefully wedged a hand grenade beneath the accelerator pedal in Antonio's cherished Porsche. Loosening the cotter pin that kept the grenade from firing, Carl had ran an almost invisible piece of fishing line from the cotter pin to the driver's side door handle. Messy, but effective.

    Carl pondered Laurie's weaknesses. He knew of her fondness for chamomile tea. He knew that she raised a patch of camomile near her fish pond, to use in brewing fresh tea. But how to use these weaknesses against her, Carl wasn't so sure. He had thought of using his South American contacts to import Piranha fish to place in the fishpond. He had also thought of mixing deadly nightshade plants in with the chamomile. "That would be the last damn cup of that stupid tea that she would ever drink!" Carl thought to himself. But neither plan seemed fitting enough. Carl had to devise a magnificent plan, a truly stupendous plan, one that would be whispered about for years when he became the head of the five families...
    "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't...You're right!" -Henry Ford-

  13. #13
    ABW Veteran Mr. Sal's Avatar
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    The Laurie and Carl Harris story. By Rick K. (Soon on Paperback)


    He had also thought of mixing deadly nightshade plants in with the chamomile. "That would be the last damn cup of that stupid tea that she would ever drink!" Carl thought to himself. But neither plan seemed fitting enough. Carl had to devise a magnificent plan, a truly stupendous plan, one that would be whispered about for years when he became the head of the five families...
    Come on Rick K., I don't like cliff hangers......

    and I don't want to hear that we have to wait until Monday because this soap opera don't play on weekends, this is not radio or TV, so what is Carl magnificent plan?...........

    I think you have something going on here, so keep it up and who knows...... you may be the next mystery writer to have a best seller for sale soon. (Think Positive)

    Sal.

  14. #14
    Super Sh!t Stirrer SSanf's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, after his three year stay in the rest home Carl found that his capacity for conceptualizing any kind of plan was not what it once was. Try as he might, Carl could not think of a truly magnificent and stupendous plan. He knew that if his plan failed the ridicule would destroy any chances he had of ever leading the five families.

    Fortunately, everyone believed that he was only staying at the "home" because of his fondness for a drink or two too many. As long as he stayed off the sauce, his status in the family would be OK. It seemed like almost everyone had spent some time there. It was a good way to get out of sight for a while when the heat got too heavy.

    Damn that gypsy, anyway! Why, oh why did he ever look into that black mirror? She had warned him that he would see the reflection of what he was truly like. What she hadn't told him is that he would see his inner self as well as his outer appearance. Oh, the horror! Were three years in the "home" enough? He wasn't sure. Chamomile tea was starting to seem like a good idea.

    Carl needed help and he knew it. He also knew he had to be ready and prepared to get rid of the "helpers", the witnesses, after ridding himself of that female she dog, Laurie. Who could he enlist that would the expendable later?
    Comments are opinion unless otherwise noted. Remember, pillage first. Then burn. Half of all people in the world have IQs under 100. You best learn to trust ol' SSanf!

  15. #15
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    Antonio lined up the shot through his sniper-rifle scope with a satisfied determination. The idea of having a double, one that even Laurie hadn't known about, had worked perfectly. It was too bad about the car, but now Carl was emboldened enough to be right there across the street, so engrossed by looking at Laurie in his binoculars that he didn't even think of raising them just a couple of inches. If he had only looked up, he would have seen the real Antonio there--on Laurie's roof, hiding behind the clematis vines.

    Antonio didn't mind that targets underestimated his intelligence, which was actually around a 150 IQ. The underestimation made his targets do stupid things. Like that idiot Shawn, who thought he was something when he sauntered right up to the edge of the pond to brag to Laurie that the last "Antonio" had met his end. Shawn hadn't even seen it coming...and now his half-brother was making almost the same mistake. Some defects just *had* to be genetic...

    He checked the line of sight again and fired the shot. The armor-piercing bullet streaked through the air with perfect accuracy.

    The last thing Carl saw in this world was the instant smile that came on Laurie's face when she heard the "Fssst" of the silencer-equipped rifle.

    Antonio walked over to Carl's body. It was time to feed the fish...
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  16. #16
    ABW Veteran Mr. Sal's Avatar
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    While it took two old woman to try to kill poor old Carl.........

    The Author of this saga just took those two episodes and implemented them in a dream that the bad Laurie had about how to get rid of Carl.

    The good and juicy part comes on the next episode, when Carl takes his final revenge and ........

    To Be Continued...........

  17. #17
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    Carl's dying hallucinations about him somehow only only being killed in Laurie's dream, unfortunately, had no effect on reality as his actual life-light has gone out...permanantly.
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  18. #18
    ABW Veteran Mr. Sal's Avatar
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    Carl's dying hallucinations about him somehow only only being killed in Laurie's dream, unfortunately, had no effect on reality as his actual life-light has gone out...permanantly.
    You party pooper you......

    Are you are hanging around with SSanf lately?

    I hope that the original author don't out too early and that he refuse that ending.

    Come on Carl, we all must stick together. We can't be defeated by some and

  19. #19
    Affiliate Marketer Rogi's Avatar
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    This is gold. I can't stop laughing.

  20. #20
    Chick with Brains Tracy's Avatar
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    This is one of the best threads I've ever read! You guys must write some killer ad copy!

  21. #21
    Super Sh!t Stirrer SSanf's Avatar
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    The old gypsy was looking in her crystal ball as the bullet crashed through Carl's skull. At that moment, she was rather glad the cable had been turned off. This was so much more entertaining and even Bill Gates had not yet figured out how to insert commercial interuptions into the show she was now watching.

    She laughed as she remembered that the ungrateful Carl had not even thanked her for her insights much less left any token of appreciation. She wondered why she even bothered with mundanes. What did they think she was supposed to live on in her old age, her good looks, maybe? Maybe, she should look into this affiliate marketing stuff everyone was talking about, she thought.

    Anyway, she was thrilled to see the Chamomile plants she had given Laurie were thriving.
    Comments are opinion unless otherwise noted. Remember, pillage first. Then burn. Half of all people in the world have IQs under 100. You best learn to trust ol' SSanf!

  22. #22
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    The last installment
    Freddie, Carl's right-hand man, plodded into Carl's office, carrying a small package. "Here's a package, boss." said Freddie. Carl took the package from Freddie. The postmark was from South America. "Handle with care - live contents" was stamped in red all over the package.

    Carl walked over to the terrarium that had been recently installed in a prominent place in the center of his office. Carefully opening the package, Carl shook out two brightly-colored tiny frogs into the terrarium. "Dose frogs are sure purty" said Freddie. What are dey?"

    "Freddie, my man, these frogs come from South America." replied Carl. "They are very rare, of the order Dendrobates Azureus, and an addition to my collection that I have been seeking for quite some time." Freddie peered over the top of the tank. "I don't know about the Denodus whatever, but they're the purtiest little frogs I ever seen."
    Freddie reached in the tank, extending one forefinger to stroke one of the tiny amphibians. "Stop!" Carl ordered. "Don't ever, EVER, touch my frogs!" Freddie quickly snatched his hand back. "Jeez, Boss," said Freddie, "I won't touch them no more." Freddie walked off, shaking his massive head sadly. "Da boss's been worrying about dat stupid Laurie ***** too much." Freddie thought sadly. "Now he's worrying about some stupid little frog."
    Laurie had just hung up the telephone after the manager of her nightclub had called, telling her that Antonio's Porsche had just blown up, with Antonio in it, right in front of the club. "That dumb f--k" said Laurie." He probably blew himself up with all that ammo he keeps around." Laurie fumed. "Now who can I get to kill Carl?" Laurie picked up the tiny silver bell that was on the telephone table. She rang it vigorously. "Yes maam?" asked Consuela, the new downstairs maid. "Brew me a cup of chamomile tea" Laurie ordered, "and bring it to me out in the garden." "Right away, maam." Consuela replied.

    As Laurie sat on her bench. next to her beloved fish pond, Consuela approached, holding a massive silver tea tray, with the freshly-brewed tea inside an antique Paul Revere teapot. "Set it down here." Laurie ordered. "Yes Maam." replied Consuela. As Consuela bent over to set the tea service down, she scratched Laurie's bare arm with a ring that she wore on her finger.

    "Dammit!" Laurie cried out in pain. "You did that on purpose, you stupid little *****...You're fired!" Consuela stammered, "B-b-but maam..." Laurie slapped Consuela's face with all the strength she could muster. Consuela ran from the garden, sobbing.
    Three days later, Carl was sitting in his office. A soft knock came at the door. "Come in" said Carl. Consuela walked into Carl's office. Carl got up, smiling. "Consuela!" Carl said. "It's SO good to see you!" Carl guided Consuela to a heavy comfortable leather chair in front of his desk. "Please sit down." Carl watched admiringly as Consuela sat down, crossing her shapley, nylon-clad legs. "Did you see the headlines in today's paper?" asked Carl. He tossed the paper to Consuela. "Heiress found dead, floating in fishpond!" was printed in large ink, right across the front section. "Cause of death unknown."

    "Yes." Consuela said. "That's why I'm here." Carl reached into an open desk drawer and withdrew a large, well-filled envelope. "I think you'll find the fifty thousand dollars in there." Carl said. Carl walked over to the terrarium. As Consuela counted the money, Carl said, "I wondered if it would work, and it did." Consuela looked up. "I brought the ring back to you." she said. "I was very careful not to scratch myself with it."
    Carl replied, "If you had, then you'd be dead too." Carl hesitated, looking down at the two brightly colored frogs sitting contentedly inside the terrarium. "The venom from the order Dendrobates Azureus, also known as the poison arrow tree frog, has been known to kill quite a few people." Carl smiled. "Just not in civilized surroundings."
    "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't...You're right!" -Henry Ford-

  23. #23
    Super Sh!t Stirrer SSanf's Avatar
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    The old gypsy made a mental note to watch the auction ads to see when Carl's posessions would be sold. Perhaps, she could get his computer on the cheap. Then, she thought, she would check out the Abestweb forum that Laurie had told her about.

    Yes, that is just what she would do.

    "Let's see," she mumbled. "I know I have a recipe for getting rid of parasites around here, somewhere." Laurie had told her that she would need to be on the watch out for parasites.

    "And, talk about your parasites! Good riddance to that Carl", she thought.

    (Whoops! Posted too late!! Can a mod move this above the last post? And how did Carl re-animate, anyway?

    Carl is daid! They shot him in the haid! Ya gotta either accept that or explain why he ain't daid! Tell us why he ain't daid. BTW great writing! )
    Comments are opinion unless otherwise noted. Remember, pillage first. Then burn. Half of all people in the world have IQs under 100. You best learn to trust ol' SSanf!

  24. #24
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    Carl is daid! They shot him in the haid! Ya gotta either accept that or explain why he ain't daid!
    Yeah, that's Writing 101... (I agree, Rick's writing is otherwise very good!)

    Guess the guys are just delusional...they can't accept the reality of Carl's untimely end. Not that it matters; Laurie's fish don't care if some people believe their latest meal is still alive...

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Before Laurie could *finally* enjoy a cup of chamomile, she was presented with alarming news. Laurie's spies had determined that someone wanted her dead. Someone with a knowledge of poisonous frogs.

    "Antonio," she called out.
    Soon, the handsome and deadly Antonio appeared in the garden.

    "Seems that a 'Rick K.' has very unseemly ideas concerning me. Please, do cure him of such notions..."

    "No problem," said Antonio...
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  25. #25
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    I hope that the original author don't out too early and that he refuse that ending.~Sal
    He doesn't get to "refuse" the ending
    Plus, the "original authors" would be those college students that were in Rick's first post, anyway. And they didn't get to refuse each other's installments!
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

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