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  1. #1
    Senior Affiliate Manager AMWSO James - AMWSO's Avatar
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    May 15th, 2005
    Anywhere with Fiber
    The funniest thing I've read for ages...
    Complaint Letter of the Year

    The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat backside waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes, an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

    Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

    I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled billiards jugglers. I have been informed that:

    A telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

    I thought BT were doodoo, that they had attained the holy pee-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.

    You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

    I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

    I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

  2. #2
    Affiliate Coach sstark's Avatar
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    April 20th, 2005

    that's the BEST complaint letter Ive ever seen!
    [B]~ Steven Stark[/B]
    [URL=]Vancouver Online Media[/URL]

  3. #3
    2005 Linkshare Golden Link Award Winner  ecomcity's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    St Clair Shores MI.
    WOOOOOOW..... a jewel of a complaint letter worthy of a guilded frame. I can just hear the writer plugging away at the manual typewriter over the phone's background music as he can't even e-mail it.....
    Webmaster's... Mike and Charlie

    "What have you done today to put real value into a referral click...from a shoppers viewpoint!"

  4. #4
    Content $ Queen Ebudae's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    lolol, love it!!

    sad part is I have been there, I think we all have.


  5. #5
    ABW Ambassador
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    February 28th, 2005

  6. #6
    Just Lurking
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005

    That ranks right up there with Texas Chilli one.
    Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way!

  7. #7
    ABW Founder Haiko de Poel, Jr.'s Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    New York
    I'd never spend the time to elborate nor depict as the writer did, felt it and loved it though.
    Continued Success,

    The secret of success is constancy of purpose ~ Disraeli

  8. #8
    ABW Ambassador Paul_Ward's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    Cambridgeshire, England
    I sent a letter of complaint to NTL recently too, not as full of eloquent approbrium as this one, but the writer is right they are a bunch of twats and their customer service doesn't deserve the compliment "useless" as that would acknowledge some degree of existence.

  9. #9
    Eternal Optimist Look4's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    Home base: Pennsylvania
    Perhaps it's a European thing. I had a similar experience to the letter writer's when trying to have our phone service when we moved in Germany. And we we received 2 completely different bills for the same phone number at both the old and new addresses for 3 months on top of it all.

    Unfortunately, my German's not good enough to be so eloquant a writer. I know all the swear words, but I don't know the German word for testicles.

    So I just toughed it out until it straightened itself out.
    Tom C.
    [URL=]Simple Sign Shop[/URL]

    Every day leave someone or something better than you found it.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    March 10th, 2005
    Roflmao !!!

  11. #11
    Join Date
    March 25th, 2005
    Quote Originally Posted by ecomcity
    WOOOOOOW..... a jewel of a complaint letter worthy of a guilded frame. I can just hear the writer plugging away at the manual typewriter over the phone's background music as he can't even e-mail it.....

    It'd be damn hard to email a piece of his cats feces.

  12. #12
    ABW Ambassador
    Join Date
    January 17th, 2005
    Thing is, this one gets trotted out again and again, only the company name changes

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