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  1. #1
    Plazan Merchant Neil's Avatar
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    February 25th, 2005
    scottish humor.. or not, as the case may be. ???
    [stolen from another forum]
    but i had to... i am from scotland..

    >Alistair McGregor, an expatriate Scottish man living in America, was
    >recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on
    >and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realized he
    >wasn't depressed at all.............only Scottish.
    >Mr. McGregor, a Scottish man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy
    >perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on
    >nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system.
    >Doctors described McGregor as suffering from Pervasive Negative
    >Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst,
    >whether it's trains arriving late, Scotland's chances at winning any
    >international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in
    >and achieve his dreams.
    >"The satisfaction Mr. McGregor seemed to get from his pessimism seemed
    >particularly pathological," reported the doctors.
    >"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort, Ginseng",
    >Mr. McGregor."They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an
    >a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless
    >they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in
    >first place."
    >Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of
    >grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy
    >repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".
    >was then that Mr. McGregor was referred to a psychotherapist.
    >Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr. McGregor's family history and
    >couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in the
    >drab back streets of a windswept gray town with treeless streets of
    >identical run-down houses where it rained every day, passionately
    >backing a
    >football team who never won, seemed to be an idealized depressive
    >thought all that was a myth..."
    >Mr. McGregor had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk
    >about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later
    >difficult and wet it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to
    >at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock
    >I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the
    >rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my
    >said Mr. McGregor. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're
    >making a
    >terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of Scottish comedy
    >giving her an understanding of the Scottish psyche. "Classic comedy
    >characters like Chick Murray, Will Fife and The Crankies, all hopeless
    >with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she
    >explained to the baffled US medics. "In Scotland, being depressed to the
    >point of suicidal is considered the norm and is not seen as pathological
    >all." Identifying Mr. McGregor as Scottish changed his diagnosis from
    >'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he
    >was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly
    >colored leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.
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  2. #2
    A Real *and* Darn Cool Member! lstolze's Avatar
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    March 23rd, 2005

    OMG!! I'm Scottish on my father's side, and fit that model to a tee!! And I wasn't even raised in Scotland! That's the funniest thing I've heard in days. Thank you, Neil!! I really needed that.

    I guess I better watch out....I may be the next to get strapped down.... LOL!
    ~Lisa - Brilliant Mastermind, or Nut? You decide!

  3. #3
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    Los Angeles
    That's hilarious. Poor guy ...

    Here's a funny Scottish joke:

    A man from Scotland moves to the U.S. and
    attends his first baseball game.

    After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring,

    "Run! Run!"

    The next batter connects heavily with the ball,
    and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd
    in his thick accent:

    "R-r-r-un, yah bloody bahstard, r-r-run!"

    A third batter cracks a hard liner,
    and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased
    with his knowledge of the game, screams,

    "RRRun, yah bloody bahstard,
    rrrrun, why don't ya???"

    The next batter holds his swing at three and two,
    and the umpire calls, "Take your base."

    The Scotsman stands up, yelling,

    "RRRun, ya bahstard, rrrun!"

    All the surrounding fans giggle quietly, so he sits down confused.

    A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers,
    "He doesn't have to run; he's got four balls."

    The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts,

    "Walk with prrrride, man!"

    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic

  4. #4
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    New York, USA
    I know two Scottish jokes. Well, I know the punchlines anyway.

    1. Sir, the regiment has voted to replace.

    2. I don't know where ye've been or what ye've done laddie but I'm proud to see ye won first prize.

    The most fun word to say with a Scottish burr is MURRRRRRRR-DERRRRRRRRR.

    Yes it is, especially if you can't roll your Rs.

  5. #5
    ABW Ambassador buy_online's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    Richmond, VA

    Looks like I'm going to have to change my last name


  6. #6
    AM Navigator Geno Prussakov's Avatar
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    May 10th, 2005
    Washington D.C. Metro Area

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  8. #8
    Full Member amanda_mytights's Avatar
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    January 18th, 2005
    My lad is scottish so he really got a kick out of these!

    Cheers. Amanda

  9. #9
    ABW Ambassador Sheri's Avatar
    Join Date
    February 17th, 2005
    I just noticed the 2nd joke that Rhea reference the punchline for. I'm sure that many of you have heard the song that it goes to, but just in case you haven't, it is a laugh riot.

    The lyrics are as follows:

    The Scottsman

    Well a Scottsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
    And one could tell by how he walked the he'd drunk more than his share
    He fumbled 'round until he could no long keep his feet
    And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

    Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
    Ring dye didley eye oh
    He stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

    About the time two young and lovely girls just happened by
    One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
    "See yon sleeping Scottsman, so strong a handsome built
    I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt"

    Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
    Ring dye didley eye oh
    I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

    They krept up on the sleeping Scottsman quiet as could be
    They lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
    And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
    Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

    Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
    Ring dye didley eye oh
    Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

    They marveled for a moment, then one said "We must be gone.
    Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along"
    As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied in to a bow
    Around the bonnie star the Scotts kilt did lift and show

    Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
    Ring dye didley eye oh
    Around the bonnie star the scotts kilt did lift and show

    Now the Scottsman woke to natures call and stumbled for the trees
    Behind the bush he lifts his kilt,and gawks at what he sees
    And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
    "Lad, I don't know where you've been, but I see you've won first prize"

    Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
    Ring dye didley eye oh
    Lad, I don't know where you've been, but I see you've won first prize

    It has always made me chuckle, so I thought I would share.


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