Results 1 to 15 of 15
November 15th, 2005, 01:08 PM #1Musicians Beware
I've been enjoying the new energy in this thread, so I thought I'd through some one-liners your way. Only those who were band and orchestra geeks somewhere in your past might see the humor, but they are sort of fun. I am a flute and piccolo player as well as a Soprano, so I tried to be an equal opportunity offender.
How do you get two piccolo players to play in Unison?
- You shoot one
What do you get when you combine a french horn player with a goal post?
- A goal post that can't march
If you light a viola and a violin on fire, which one burns faster?
- Who cares?
What do you call someone who hangs out with Musicians?
- A Drummer
What is the difference between a Soprano and the P.L.O.?
- You can negotiate with the P.L.O.
What is the difference between a Saxaphone and a lawn mower?
- Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles. :saxaphone
How can you tell a Trumpet player from a horses ass?
- You don't know?....... Neither do I.
Two tuba players walk by a bar....
.....well, it COULD happen....
You are driving down the road and see a conductor and a violist standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you hit first?
- The conductor..... business before pleasure.
What do you call an optimist?
- A choral director with a mortgage.
How do you get a Guitar player to play softer?
- Put some sheet music in front of him.
Why did the Trumpet player cross the road?
- To tell the other trumpet player that he is better than they are
and last, but certainly not least....
What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
- The bull has the horns in the front and the a-hole in the back.
November 15th, 2005, 01:13 PM #2Originally Posted by Sheri
November 15th, 2005, 04:18 PM #3
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
Pay him for the pizza
What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When the banjo doesn't hit the side of the dumpster on the way in.
What is the difference between a cat and a violinist?
A cat stops scratching when you yell at it.
Why do the drummers leave their sticks on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.
A man buys a bass guitar for his young son, and arranges for him to get weekly lessons.
When he returns home from his first lesson, dad says: "How'd the lesson go?"
To which the boy says: "Good, he taught me the notes on the first string".
After the second weekly lesson, same question from dad.
"Great! He taught me the notes on the second string."
When the boy returns home the third week, same question.
"Oh. I had to blow off this week's lesson; I had a recording session with my band."
A drummer, sick of all the derisive drummer jokes, decides to change to another instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures toward a shelf in the back of the store and says "All of our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big black one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer dejectedly says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big black accordion' is the radiator."
November 15th, 2005, 04:21 PM #4
Why do bottom end guys get all the digs? Poor drummers and bass players ...
November 15th, 2005, 04:24 PM #5
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
10, 1 to change the bulb, and 9 to say "I could have done it better."
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell, and miss a lot of notes.
November 15th, 2005, 04:31 PM #6
Too funny. There are a million of these. For the most part they can be turned into a burn on any instrument.
I also sing in a barbershop quartet, and they extend to there as well....
What do you call a lead that can sight read?
- A baritone.
I had not heard the one about the bass lessons. That got a huge gafaw because my husband is a guitar and bass player.
I had heard the trombone and french horn one as the opposite.
How do you turn a French horn into a Trombone?
-Pull your hand out of the bell and eliminate all sense of good taste.
November 15th, 2005, 06:13 PM #7
- Join Date
- January 17th, 2005
- United Kingdom
November 15th, 2005, 06:51 PM #8
Definition of an optimist?
An oboe player with a pager.
November 15th, 2005, 07:03 PM #9
A guy with a powerfull hang-over is going along his street asking at each door "is the house the party was at last night, the house with the golden toliet?"
A woman answers at one of the doors and the guy asks again, "Is this house the party was at last night, the house with the golden toliet?".
The Woman shouts upstairs, "John, I found the guy that s**t in your tuba!"
November 16th, 2005, 10:31 AM #10
Now that is funny.
I was reading along thinking "what does this have to do with music"? and then, BOOM, got hit with the punchline.
December 13th, 2005, 02:32 PM #11
What is the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and a jazz musician?
The pizza can feed a family of four....
December 13th, 2005, 02:52 PM #12Originally Posted by Sam I Am
December 13th, 2005, 09:25 PM #13
What does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
...The stage is level.A joy shared is a joy doubled.
A burden shared is a burden lightened.
December 13th, 2005, 10:29 PM #14
- Join Date
- January 18th, 2005
What do you call a person who hangs around with Drummers?
- A Bass Player.
How do you know when a Drummer is at the door?
- The knock slows down.
How do you know when a Chick Backing Vocalist is at the door?
- She takes forever to find the key and even then doesn't know where to come in.
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December 13th, 2005, 10:50 PM #15
I decide when the pigs fly!
- Join Date
- January 18th, 2005
- New York, USA
A tutor who tooted the flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
Funny musician "Instrument Zoology" t-shirts: http://www.myatt.co.uk/gem.htm