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  1. #1
    ABW Ambassador Sheri's Avatar
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    Musicians Beware
    I've been enjoying the new energy in this thread, so I thought I'd through some one-liners your way. Only those who were band and orchestra geeks somewhere in your past might see the humor, but they are sort of fun. I am a flute and piccolo player as well as a Soprano, so I tried to be an equal opportunity offender.


    How do you get two piccolo players to play in Unison?

    - You shoot one

    What do you get when you combine a french horn player with a goal post?

    - A goal post that can't march

    If you light a viola and a violin on fire, which one burns faster?

    - Who cares?

    What do you call someone who hangs out with Musicians?

    - A Drummer

    What is the difference between a Soprano and the P.L.O.?

    - You can negotiate with the P.L.O.

    What is the difference between a Saxaphone and a lawn mower?

    - Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles. :saxaphone

    How can you tell a Trumpet player from a horses ass?

    - You don't know?....... Neither do I.

    Two tuba players walk by a bar....
    .....well, it COULD happen....

    You are driving down the road and see a conductor and a violist standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you hit first?

    - The conductor..... business before pleasure.

    What do you call an optimist?

    - A choral director with a mortgage.

    How do you get a Guitar player to play softer?

    - Put some sheet music in front of him.

    Why did the Trumpet player cross the road?

    - To tell the other trumpet player that he is better than they are



    and last, but certainly not least....

    What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

    - The bull has the horns in the front and the a-hole in the back.


    Sheri

  2. #2
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sheri
    I've been enjoying the new energy in this thread, so I thought I'd through some one-liners your way. Only those who were band and orchestra geeks somewhere in your past might see the humor, but they are sort of fun. I am a flute and piccolo player as well as a Soprano, so I tried to be an equal opportunity offender.



    What do you call someone who hangs out with Musicians?

    - A Drummer



    How do you get a Guitar player to play softer?

    - Put some sheet music in front of him.


    Sheri
    LOL - good ones!
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  3. #3
    Member Chocolate_Chicken's Avatar
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    How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Three. One to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

    How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
    Pay him for the pizza

    What is the definition of perfect pitch?
    When the banjo doesn't hit the side of the dumpster on the way in.

    What is the difference between a cat and a violinist?
    A cat stops scratching when you yell at it.

    Why do the drummers leave their sticks on the dashboard?
    So they can park in the handicapped spot.


    A man buys a bass guitar for his young son, and arranges for him to get weekly lessons.
    When he returns home from his first lesson, dad says: "How'd the lesson go?"
    To which the boy says: "Good, he taught me the notes on the first string".
    After the second weekly lesson, same question from dad.
    "Great! He taught me the notes on the second string."
    When the boy returns home the third week, same question.
    "Oh. I had to blow off this week's lesson; I had a recording session with my band."


    A drummer, sick of all the derisive drummer jokes, decides to change to another instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
    The owner gestures toward a shelf in the back of the store and says "All of our accordions are over there."
    After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big black one in the corner."
    The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
    The drummer dejectedly says, "How did you know?"
    The store owner says, "That `big black accordion' is the radiator."

  4. #4
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Why do bottom end guys get all the digs? Poor drummers and bass players ...
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  5. #5
    Member Vampyre's Avatar
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    How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    10, 1 to change the bulb, and 9 to say "I could have done it better."

    How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
    Put your hand in the bell, and miss a lot of notes.

  6. #6
    ABW Ambassador Sheri's Avatar
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    Too funny. There are a million of these. For the most part they can be turned into a burn on any instrument.

    I also sing in a barbershop quartet, and they extend to there as well....

    What do you call a lead that can sight read?

    - A baritone.

    I had not heard the one about the bass lessons. That got a huge gafaw because my husband is a guitar and bass player.

    I had heard the trombone and french horn one as the opposite.

    How do you turn a French horn into a Trombone?

    -Pull your hand out of the bell and eliminate all sense of good taste.




    Sheri

  7. #7
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    Hmm...

    Q: How Many Lead Singers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb ?

    A: None...they just stand there and the world revolves around them.

    Q: How Many Roadies Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb ?

    A: One...two....one...two..one...two...

  8. #8
    Full Member markschok's Avatar
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    Definition of an optimist?

    An oboe player with a pager.

  9. #9
    Full Member markschok's Avatar
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    A guy with a powerfull hang-over is going along his street asking at each door "is the house the party was at last night, the house with the golden toliet?"
    A woman answers at one of the doors and the guy asks again, "Is this house the party was at last night, the house with the golden toliet?".


    The Woman shouts upstairs, "John, I found the guy that s**t in your tuba!"

  10. #10
    ABW Ambassador Sheri's Avatar
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    Now that is funny.

    I was reading along thinking "what does this have to do with music"? and then, BOOM, got hit with the punchline.

    HA!

  11. #11
    Newbie Sam I Am's Avatar
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    What is the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and a jazz musician?





    The pizza can feed a family of four....

  12. #12
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sam I Am
    What is the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and a jazz musician?





    The pizza can feed a family of four....
    LOL -good one
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  13. #13
    ABW Ambassador Mike O's Avatar
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    What does it mean when the drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

















    ...The stage is level.
    A joy shared is a joy doubled.
    A burden shared is a burden lightened.

  14. #14
    You are in, or you are out ... choose!
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    What do you call a person who hangs around with Drummers?

    - A Bass Player.

    How do you know when a Drummer is at the door?

    - The knock slows down.

    How do you know when a Chick Backing Vocalist is at the door?

    - She takes forever to find the key and even then doesn't know where to come in.

    (Woz ducks.)
    [url=http://www.dWoz.com/][b]dWoz[/b][/url] - serious webmaster tools & resources.

  15. #15
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
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    A tutor who tooted the flute,
    Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
    Said the two to the tutor,
    "Is it harder to toot or
    To tutor two tooters to toot?"


    Funny musician "Instrument Zoology" t-shirts: http://www.myatt.co.uk/gem.htm

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