God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

In order to better serve your needs and the needs of people of faith, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

How did you find out about God?

___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Television
___ Divine inspiration
___ Word of mouth
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Burning shrubbery


Which model God did you acquire?

___ Yahweh
___ Jehovah
___ Allah
___ Just plain God
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak) ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak) ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak) ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature


Please describe the problems you have encountered with your God.

___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe ___ Permits sex outside of marriage ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) ___ Plays dice with the universe


What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?

___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed target for rage
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Hate to think for self
___ Fear of death
___ To piss off parents
___ Needed to feel morally superior


Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
__ Self-help books
__ Tarot, Astrology
__ Star Trek re-runs
__ Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll
__ EST
__ Television
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)


Have you ever worshipped a false God before? If so, which false God fooled you?

___ The Almighty Dollar
___ The Conservative Right
___ Ronald Reagan
___ Mushrooms


If you believe God attempts to maintain a balanced mix of catastrophes and miracles, please rate God's handling of the following, on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

Natural disasters: 1 2 3 4 5
Man-made calamities: 1 2 3 4 5
Wars: 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5
Dubya: 1 2 3 4 5