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  1. #1
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    New Rules for 2006 LOL

    1) New Rule:
    Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.


    2) New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    3) New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    4) New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    5) New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    6) New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

    7) New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.


    8) New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    9) New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega - M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


    10) New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.


    11) New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After Izip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


    12) New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.




    Last edited by Rexanne; January 15th, 2006 at 12:30 AM. Reason: clean up :-)
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  2. #2
    Moderator MichaelColey's Avatar
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    Those are great!
    Michael Coley
    Amazing-Bargains.com
     Affiliate Tips | Merchant Best Practices | Affiliate Friendly? | Couponing | CPA Networks? | ABW Tips | Activating Affiliates
    "Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world." Nelson Mandela

  3. #3
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MichaelColey
    Those are great!
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  4. #4
    pph Expert! Gordon's Avatar
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    New Rule: All BHO dowload merchants will be hung from the nearest lamp posts stark naked with just the tips of their toes touching the floor. Tar, feathers oil paints and garden shears will be left so that people who have been infected may hand out a little of their own justice.


    New Rule: All Viagra spammers will have their hands bound round their backs and made to swallow a few boxes of viagra and secured in a room with lots of good looking strippers.


    New Rule: Cars are for getting you from point A to point B, no cleaning or work of any kind is allowed on them at weekends or holidays on pain of death.


    New Rule: Only clean knickers allowed to be flown from your car arials after deflowering your latest conquest.


    New Rule: If you are lucky enough to deflower a nun, priest or bishop you will allowed to fly either clean or dirty knickers but with a black strip of cloth attached.


    New Rule: In fast food places when someone places an order the waitress/waiter must give him the damned thing without the third degree of all the variables and extras.


    New Rule: Networks must stop saying that parasites are in compliance they must be made to tell the truth....the parasites are nothing but a bunch of thieving scumbag low-life cheating con merchants.
    One day parasites and their ilk will be made illegal, I bet a few Lawyers will be pissed off when the day comes.
    Mr. Spitzer is fetching it nearer

    YouTrek

  5. #5
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
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    Here's one of my pet peeves:

    Just coz I pissed and moaned to you about some problem I'm having doesn't mean I expect you to solve it. And if I was stupid enough to ask for your opinion (and you were stupid enough to give it) don't assume that I'm stupid enough to follow your lame advice.

    Wow! I feel so much better!

  6. #6
    Resident Genius and Staunch Capitalist Leader's Avatar
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    LOL I love 'em all, but I'd like to make this one into a law:
    12) New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
    Giving ages in months is so nonsensical it defies explanation!

    Quote Originally Posted by Rhea
    Here's one of my pet peeves:

    Just coz I pissed and moaned to you about some problem I'm having doesn't mean I expect you to solve it.
    Counter-peeve:

    Don't tell me about any problems you don't want me to solve.
    Telling me about a problem = soliciting advice. If you know how to fix it yourself, WTF would you be telling *me* about it for?!

    Related peeve: The above thought process is NOT just a "man thing!"
    There is no knowledge that is not power. ~Hemingway

  7. #7
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leader
    LOL I love 'em all, but I'd like to make this one into a law:
    Giving ages in months is so nonsensical it defies explanation!
    You bet. As a mother and one who deals with moms a lot, it drives me crazy. I never ever said months instead of years or "almost 1" or "almost 2" or 3 or whatever AGE in YEARS they were. If you're talking to a pediatrician, OK fine, otherwise, straight scoop please! About the same agro I get when someone insists on telling me time military style. My sister, who still lives in Europe, does this and it makes me crazy. She asks me to pick her daughter up at the airport at 15:25 - Uhhhhhh ... yeah I COULD figure it out but geeeeeze, if you want me to actually BE there ON TIME for your kid, tell me so I don't have to calculate or use my fingers. And Gordon, don't give me sh*t about this ... you're in the UK where everyone KNOWS what 15:35 means ... in AMERICA, we say: 3:35 without pretension. ;-) /rant
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  8. #8
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gordon
    New Rule: All BHO dowload merchants will be hung from the nearest lamp posts stark naked with just the tips of their toes touching the floor. Tar, feathers oil paints and garden shears will be left so that people who have been infected may hand out a little of their own justice.


    New Rule: All Viagra spammers will have their hands bound round their backs and made to swallow a few boxes of viagra and secured in a room with lots of good looking strippers.


    New Rule: Cars are for getting you from point A to point B, no cleaning or work of any kind is allowed on them at weekends or holidays on pain of death.


    New Rule: Only clean knickers allowed to be flown from your car arials after deflowering your latest conquest.


    New Rule: If you are lucky enough to deflower a nun, priest or bishop you will allowed to fly either clean or dirty knickers but with a black strip of cloth attached.


    New Rule: In fast food places when someone places an order the waitress/waiter must give him the damned thing without the third degree of all the variables and extras.


    New Rule: Networks must stop saying that parasites are in compliance they must be made to tell the truth....the parasites are nothing but a bunch of thieving scumbag low-life cheating con merchants.
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  9. #9
    ABW Founder Haiko de Poel, Jr.'s Avatar
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    I'm 444 months old this month

    Fudge Crackers --- I thought I was alone in my disdain for that shoot

    I can understand [doesn't mean still not like it] when the mother says it, but when father does also, it it's beyond [deleted].
    Continued Success,

    Haiko
    The secret of success is constancy of purpose ~ Disraeli

  10. #10
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Haiko de Poel, Jr.
    I'm 444 months old this month

    Fudge Crackers --- I thought I was alone in my disdain for that shoot

    I can understand [doesn't mean still not like it] when the mother says it, but when father does also, it it's beyond [deleted].
    When fathers start doing it, it's a sure sign they're whipped.
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  11. #11
    Full Member styleforfree's Avatar
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    I love those rules!

    Just one add on where Gordon wrote:

    New Rule: All Viagra spammers will have their hands bound round their backs and made to swallow a few boxes of viagra and secured in a room with lots of good looking strippers.

    I vote you film the event - then make it a pop up movie for all browsers controlling a parasite. And don't use Viagra. Use the one that could cause a serious medical 4 hour emergency.
    Liz Welsh Tompkins
    Styleforfree.com
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