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February 23rd, 2006, 10:15 AM #1Chuck Norris can...
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack; Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK ******ination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher ***igned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The gr*** is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the gr*** is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pee's
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo went into hiding.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."
Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the gr*** and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris owns a large private estate in the middle of the Atlantic. We know it as the Bermuda Triangle. Chuck Norris does not tolerate tresp***ers.
One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.
The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can hear silence.
There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarr***ed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.
Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we all know **** well why.
Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquillizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, Trix are for Chuck Norris."
*Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of the Elements because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is surprise.
Jesus Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
* The Sun rises in the East because it needs the entire day to work up the courage to face Chuck Norris in the West.
February 23rd, 2006, 10:57 AM #2
Those are some good ones!Rick M.
I would rather have a bottle in front of me, than have a frontal lobotomy!
Does your bubblegum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
February 23rd, 2006, 12:50 PM #3
In real life Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos Ray Norris
February 23rd, 2006, 06:13 PM #4
February 23rd, 2006, 11:32 PM #5
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