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  1. #1
    Affiliate Network Rep Annabelle's Avatar
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    Why English Teachers Die Young
    This is definitely well worth the read! - Annabelle

    Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cle! ve! land at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15 They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en po! in! te and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

    27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

    28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall
    [FONT=Verdana]Annabelle
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    [I]Milk was a bad choice.[/I] Ron Burgundy

  2. #2
    The Eternal Optimist zimmy's Avatar
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    It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
    And to think we've missed this tradition all these years!!



    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    The big shots are only the little shots who keep shooting.
    -Christopher Morley

  3. #3
    Affiliate Manager inflatemouse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annabelle
    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
    Like all great artist this writer has experienced pain.

  4. #4
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    LOL LOL Annabelle!
    Peace,

    Rexanne

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  5. #5
    Member Vampyre's Avatar
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    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
    Reminds me of Douglas Adams' writing.

  6. #6
    Beachy Bill's Avatar
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    In exactly which Stephen King novel did you find those lines???

    Bill / Marketing Blog @ 12PM - Current project: Resurrecting my "baby" at South Baltimore..
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    If you are too busy to laugh you are too busy.

  7. #7
    ABW Ambassador
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    Those are absolutely hilarious, thanks!

  8. #8
    Affiliate Manager harrymond's Avatar
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    LoL Good One ...
    Cheers,

    Harry.
    Mondera Affiliate Manager
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  9. #9
    Outsourced Program Manager William - AMWSO's Avatar
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    Thanks Harry - that was dam funny!

  10. #10
    Analytics Dude Kevin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vampyre
    Reminds me of Douglas Adams' writing.
    Or Richard Brautigan...
    Kevin Webster
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  11. #11
    ABW Ambassador AddHandler's Avatar
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    LOL ---
    My favorite one::::::::

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

    I have had girlfriends like that before.... LOL...

  12. #12
    Outsourced Program Manager William - AMWSO's Avatar
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    Addhandler: That is truly disgusting imagery, but again, very funny.

  13. #13
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    I get up earlier than anyone else in my home to work. I woke up all three of my kids I was laughing so hard!
    Blessed Be,
    White Wolf

  14. #14
    Affiliate Network Rep Annabelle's Avatar
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    I'm so happy everyone has enjoyed these as much as I did! I could NOT stop laughing when I first read them and completely distracted everyone here at the SR office.

    I STILL can't figure out which one is my ultimate favourite - I just think they're all brilliant.
    [FONT=Verdana]Annabelle
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    [I]Milk was a bad choice.[/I] Ron Burgundy

  15. #15
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    As an English major and former teacher, I find them hilarious!

    Jenn

  16. #16
    Member Anniegoal's Avatar
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    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    Thats too funny!!!

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