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July 21st, 2006, 03:09 PM #1Some topical laughs
Things have been a little slow in the Chuckle category and I needed a laugh. So, I went and found some "topical" jokes from around the good old US of A.
* Internet users send 60 billion e-mails every day around the world. Of course, if you exclude ads for Viagra, refinancing and ion drugs, that number drops to 37.
* Some Massachusetts parents filed a lawsuit against the school system after a teacher read a gay themed fairy tale without notifying them first. The book was about two princes who fall in love. They reportedly lived fabulously ever after.
* Gas Station TV says they will install television sets at five hundred gas stations and broadcast to motorists filling up their gas tanks. Imagine the programming. It's the perfect place to watch Debbie Does Dallas while Exxon does you.
* Roger Clemens signed a lucrative deal to pitch for the Houston Astros, ending his brief retirement. Only the nation's oil capital can afford him. The contract is so rich that Anna Nicole Smith is already claiming that he's the father.
* Experts say clearer hurricane warnings are needed. Apparently, the only way to really alarm people into action is to tell them the federal government is coming to help.
* Coast Guard arrested the captain of the cruise ship Celebrity Mercury for D.U.I. after he failed a breathalyzer test. Suspicions arose after the ship sailed all the way from Vancouver to Seattle with its left turn signal flashing.
* No charges will be filed against a pilot who flew a small airplane into restricted airspace near Washington Monday. The FAA says the single-engine Cessna was intercepted by two F-16s scrambled from Andrew's Air Force Base. The two jets escorted the smaller plane to the airport in Gaithersburg, where it landed. The pilot was unhurt; however he will need a new pair of underwear.
* The World Cup soccer championship merchandising is so insane they are selling vibrators with national flags on them. It's just one more reminder that there's not enough scoring in soccer.
*A California woman fought off a carjacker at a gas station by punching and kicking him. That's what happens when you try to steal a car full of $3 a gallon gas.
* The Weather Channel declared that hurricane season has begun. Americans can prepare in three ways. *We can stock up on water, and have plenty of plywood, and stop bragging about how we got the better of France with the Louisiana Purchase.
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