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  1. #1
    Canadienne extraordinaire Susan's Avatar
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    Talking Just for laughs
    Thought I'd share this...always great to end the work week with a few belly laughs :-)

    ***********************

    Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cle! ve! land at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15 They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en po! in! te and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

    26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

    27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

    28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall
    Susan Arts
    Senior Vice President, Marketing
    Moxy Media

  2. #2
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
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    ROFL! This one's my favorite, "The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

  3. #3
    Canadienne extraordinaire Susan's Avatar
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    I cracked up with this one, because I could JUST visualize it....ewwwwwww!

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
    Susan Arts
    Senior Vice President, Marketing
    Moxy Media

  4. #4
    The slot machine that IS paid! Billy Kay's Avatar
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    I can see Vinny running off to make "Content Sites" right now!!

  5. #5
    The slot machine that IS paid! Billy Kay's Avatar
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    In yesterday's paper (Valentines Day), it seems the Vegas Marriage license bureau saves copies of memorable couple's marriage certificates - actual real names

    few i remember were

    Smith and Wesson

    Ebony and Ivory

    Whu and Dunnit

    Fatty and Donut

    real people/real names

  6. #6
    http and a telephoto
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy Kay
    I can see Vinny running off to make "Content Sites" right now!!
    Yup A page for each quote...
    Deborah Carney
    TeamLoxly.com BookGoodies.com ABCsPlus.com

  7. #7
    Canadienne extraordinaire Susan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy Kay
    In yesterday's paper (Valentines Day), it seems the Vegas Marriage license bureau saves copies of memorable couple's marriage certificates - actual real names

    few i remember were

    Smith and Wesson

    Ebony and Ivory

    Whu and Dunnit

    Fatty and Donut

    real people/real names

    I kinda would like to see WHAT these people looked like too....lol...
    Susan Arts
    Senior Vice President, Marketing
    Moxy Media

  8. #8
    The slot machine that IS paid! Billy Kay's Avatar
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    Here's a few more

    For years, staff members at the recorder's office have secretly collected copies of the marriage filings that make them smile, mostly strange names, name combinations, and things that sound dirty even though they're not.

    The stack of records is several inches thick and includes a Fox who married a Squirrell, a Crook who married a Judge, and a Bunn who married a Burger. For those who prefer to hyphenate, there is Blue-Bonnett, Buffalomeat-Cleaver and Makinen-Love.

    Then there are the names that seem to spell doom for a marriage or guarantee its success, depending on your perspective. There are brides named Tequilla Rockett and Bunnie Easter. There are grooms named Mickey Mouse and Portside I. Starboardside.

    There is the woman from Indiana who married a man named Bridegroom and the woman from Hawaii who married a man named Linsenmayerknielingdearaujo, all 27 letters of him.

    But not all funny names and name combinations are suitable for a wide audience.

    "They could be a little risqué," Barber said.

    That's why "the R-rated ones" are kept in a separate stack, said Susan Wohlbrandt, spokeswoman for the recorder's office.

    The marriage certificate for Roy D. Wesson and Peggy Jean Smith is in the G-rated pile. The Fort Worth, Texas, couple are celebrating their 15th wedding anniversary today.

    When Indiana residents Joey Wrigley and Melinda Gum tied the knot in Las Vegas in 2000, a copy of their wedding announcement was featured during the "Headlines" segment of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." A few weeks later, the Wrigley company sent them a case of chewing gum and a pair of matching sweatshirts.

  9. #9
    Prince of Content Vinny O'Hare's Avatar
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    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
    That one is going to be used by me for a while to come
    Vinny O'Hare - OPM - Contact Info email: vinny at teamloxly.com ~ 702-582-6742 Twitter

  10. #10
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
    Rhea's Avatar
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    I worked with a guy named Brush and a gal named Fuller who were engaged to be married. A couple weeks before the wedding he called it off. Probably a good thing too because otherwise they'd have been..,
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    drumroll please...
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    Fuller-Brush...
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    And yes, that's the truth.

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