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  1. #1
    http and a telephoto
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    For the men that can take it :)
    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
    shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
    me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
    "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
    He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
    And they say blondes are dumb...
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
    "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
    The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
    of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
    mowed the lawn like this?"
    "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
    A: A rumor
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
    wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
    said that because they had been so good that each one of them could
    have one wish.
    The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
    Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
    The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
    Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
    Gotta love that fairy! (absolutely)
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Q: Why do little boys whine?
    A: They are practicing to be men.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
    A: Trustworthy.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
    A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
    Last edited by loxly; August 21st, 2007 at 11:59 AM. Reason: there were a couple I didn't like that I forgot to edit out
    Deborah Carney
    TeamLoxly.com BookGoodies.com ABCsPlus.com

  2. #2
    Classic Rocker Mack's Avatar
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    I don't get it.

  3. #3
    http and a telephoto
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    lol, I didn't think *you* would... or a couple more males here either
    Deborah Carney
    TeamLoxly.com BookGoodies.com ABCsPlus.com

  4. #4
    The Seal of Aproval rematt's Avatar
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    Shame on you Loxly. That's just mean. You know how sensitive we can be.

    -rematt
    "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." - Richard Nixon

  5. #5
    Tax Paying Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mack
    I don't get it.
    I am with you.
    Must be that Nevada air that she is breathing.

    Loxly
    You must climb this mountain. There is no elevator. ---- Don't stick your finger in the liquid nitrogen.
    Carolina China

  6. #6
    http and a telephoto
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    lol, Like Billy said to me in IM recently, "She's BACK......" off pain meds and in full raging force again....

    Watch out boys, Loxly has a lot of pent up energy from being in a "coma" for a couple months
    Deborah Carney
    TeamLoxly.com BookGoodies.com ABCsPlus.com

  7. #7
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    They used to do a lot of nuke testing out there. I think it screwed up the DNA of men over there.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by loxly
    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
    Some guys are very versed at reading instruction manuals. Not to disrespect any women or those who have asked me this question, but I think a lot of men here can decipher what "Will you help me put this together?" means.

  9. #9
    Classic Rocker Mack's Avatar
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    I was thinking about this while I was peeing in the shower, and I still don't get it.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mack
    I was thinking about this while I was peeing in the shower, and I still don't get it.

  11. #11
    Resident Genius and Staunch Capitalist Leader's Avatar
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    LOL Those are great!

    I think a lot of men here can decipher what "Will you help me put this together?" means.
    Oh, I don't know. I think a lot of them think it means, "here, mangle this."

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leader

    Oh, I don't know. I think a lot of them think it means, "here, mangle this."
    I guess I opened myself up to that one.

  13. #13
    Troll Killer and best Snooper!
    I decide when the pigs fly!
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    :snort: They start young, too.

    I remember when we were kids visiting our cousins and my brother and I decided to make them all breakfast to thank them for having us to stay. I'm busy making pancake batter and he hollers over to me, "Hey, how much butter should I put in the pan with the bacon?"

    Isn't that the cutest thing? BTW, this is the same brother who once lost a bet to me because he forgot how old he was. I shit you not.

    But I do believe that men and dogs are the funniest creatures on the planet and that's why they're so darn lovable.

  14. #14
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    "Hey, how much butter should I put in the pan with the bacon?"

    haha, Crisco Shortening or vegetable oil? I always get that confused.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhea

    I remember when we were kids visiting our cousins and my brother and I decided to make them all breakfast to thank them for having us to stay. I'm busy making pancake batter and he hollers over to me, "Hey, how much butter should I put in the pan with the bacon?"
    Most men know that you don't put pans in the microwave!

  16. #16
    Newbie KristenG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by loxly
    The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
    Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
    The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
    Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
    "
    I LOVE it!

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by bpal
    Some guys are very versed at reading instruction manuals. Not to disrespect any women or those who have asked me this question, but I think a lot of men here can decipher what "Will you help me put this together?" means.
    I built furniture and put wheelchairs together, took them apart and repaired them, and modified them. My ex husband couldn't set the vcr to record.

    Not being sexist, but no one helps *this* woman put anything together.
    Deborah Carney
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  18. #18
    ABW Ambassador Sam Bay's Avatar
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    Bill Cosby says men are genius for pretending to be dumb when it serves them well.

  19. #19
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    That sellout. He shouldn't be giving away all our secrets. Pretending to be sick is cool too. I don't feel good

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sam Bay
    Bill Cosby says men are genius for pretending to be dumb when it serves them well.
    I think sometimes when I'm putting things together after being asked to "help", I start to unintentionally try to act dumb. Then I realize that I'm already doing the task, so why prolong it, so I just get it done.

    And about that quote... women are the same way.

  21. #21
    Moderator MichaelColey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sam Bay
    Bill Cosby says men are genius for pretending to be dumb when it serves them well.
    That's also known as "strategic incompetence".

    There was a wonderful Everybody Loves Raymond episode about that. Amy put Robert in charge of ordering their wedding invitations. Raymond encourages Robert to intentionally mess it up so that he won't be assigned any more tasks. He does, expecting that Amy will fix it, but the invitations go out with the mistakes. Of course the wives figure out that it was intentional and catch on that many other things in the past have been strategic incompetence.
    Michael Coley
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  22. #22
    Moderator BurgerBoy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sam Bay
    Bill Cosby says men are genius for pretending to be dumb when it serves them well.
    We also have selective hearing.

    Vietnam Veteran 1966-1970 USASA
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  23. #23
    ABW Veteran Mr. Sal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mack
    I was thinking about this while I was peeing in the shower, and I still don't get it.
    That is disgusting!


    You're already in the bathroom, about just 3 to 5 feet's from the toilet, and you have to do it in the shower?


    No wonder we get no respect.


    Why would you pee in the in the shower?



    Was you the one knocking on the door, and couldn't wait a few minutes?




    That's like peeing in the pool, the sauna, or the tub!









  24. #24
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    As far as that, word on the street is that it cures athletes foot and delivers antioxidants to the feet. Now I don't do this myself, the toilet is right next to the shower so I can hit it while taking a shower, my aim is getting better.

  25. #25
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Oh come on ... everyone pees in the shower! Saves toilet paper/ LOL
    Peace,

    Rexanne

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