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  1. #1
    Affiliate Manager David Carter's Avatar
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    Whats your favorite "Jack Handy" quote?
    Ok, heres a couple that made my top ten:

    1. "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
    2. "I wish that I had a kryponite cross, then I could repel both Dracula and Superman.
    Last edited by David Carter; September 26th, 2007 at 07:10 PM. Reason: spelling :)
    David Carter
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  2. #2
    Super Dawg Member Phil Kaufman aka AffiliateHound's Avatar
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    Some I like re hounds:

    "Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."

    "I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."

    Also:

    "One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse."
    Since June 10, 2012 a vegan aarf but still writing the Hound Dawg Sports Blog
    "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" -John Wooden;
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  3. #3
    Affiliate Manager David Carter's Avatar
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    I just love those, I cant wait till SNL is funny again.

    "Boxing is like a ballet, except the dancers beat each other up."
    "One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake."
    David Carter
    MagazinesQuick.com

  4. #4
    Member onecrazymom's Avatar
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    Can't pick just one. Had to pick three.

    "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

    "When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

    "When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

  5. #5
    Lite On The Do, Heavy On The Nuts Donuts's Avatar
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    To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

  6. #6
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    "My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."

  7. #7
    Affiliate Manager MINDsprinter's Avatar
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    I love that God one! Some favorites:

    "To truly understand mankind, you have to break up the word into syllables: mank and ind. Neither of them make sense, and neither does mankind."

    "I'd rather be rich than stupid."
    Jason Rosenbaum
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  8. #8
    Analytics Dude Kevin's Avatar
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    My favorite was always the Clown one Donuts previously shared....
    Kevin Webster
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  9. #9
    Newbie jamieindigio's Avatar
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    We used to post these on each other's doors in the dorms in college!

    Some of my favorites:

    Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

    When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

    Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.

    Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

    Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

  10. #10
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  11. #11
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donuts
    The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
    LMAO!
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  12. #12
    Affiliate Manager David Carter's Avatar
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    The monorail one reminds of the the Simpsons episode in which the town invests in a monorail to help its image. There was also a little ditty.....MONORAIL! MONORAIL!
    David Carter
    MagazinesQuick.com

  13. #13
    Affiliate Manager cbsturg's Avatar
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    I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
    Chris Sturgill
    "All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals." - H. Simpson

  14. #14
    ABW Ambassador PatrickAllmond's Avatar
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    (not exact wording, same concept)

    "I think a really good gift for the president would be a piece of chocolate shaped like a pistol. And you should run up and try to give it to him real fast!"
    ---
    This response was masterly crafted via the fingers of Patrick Allmond who believe you should StopDoingNothing starting today.
    ---
    Focus Consulting is where I roll | Follow @patrickallmond on Twitter
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  15. #15
    ABW Ambassador Snib's Avatar
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    Am I the only one who doesn't know who Jack Handy is? I just looked him up on Wikipedia so I've got an idea now, but this is the first I've heard the name.

    - Scott
    Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions.

  16. #16
    Affiliate Manager Alan Hamilton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffiliateHound
    Some I like re hounds:

    "Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."
    This one has always been one of my favorite Handy analogies! Thanks for bringing it back to memory.
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  17. #17
    ABW Ambassador meadowmufn's Avatar
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    "On the other hand, you have different fingers." LOL.

    Actually my favorite Jack Handey quote is in my sig!

    "Don't criticize anyone til you've walked a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes."
    -Don't criticize anyone til you've walked a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
    - Silence is golden. Duct Tape is silver.

  18. #18
    Affiliate Manager Alan Hamilton's Avatar
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    Great stuff guys - thanks for bringing them back to life. I always liked Phil Hartman's voice-overs.
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  19. #19
    Affiliate Manager David Carter's Avatar
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    Meadowmufn, your sig was the inspiration for the thread.

    "I saw a bum pushing a cart down the street and i felt really bad. Then I looked in the cart and laughed, no wonder your a bum look at all the crappy stuff that you bought!"
    David Carter
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  20. #20
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    Haha great qoutes, never heard of this guy..
    But I'll definetly go and search some things of him thanks allot

  21. #21
    Affiliate Manager parmstro's Avatar
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    My Faves
    “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

    **

    “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”

    So good.

    Cheers,
    Patrick Armstrong
    Online Marketing Manager, ethicalDeal.com
    patrick@ethicaldeal.com

  22. #22
    Life is Supposed to be Fun! Rexanne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by parmstro
    “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

    **

    “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”

    So good.

    Cheers,
    LOL at both of these!
    Peace,

    Rexanne

    Rexanne.com
    Loving Everyone's Child Creates Magic


  23. #23
    Affiliate Manager parmstro's Avatar
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    Some others...
    Some other great quotes to look for are Stephen Wright's:

    I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    or Emo Phillips':

    I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

    When I was a kid I prayed every night for a bike until I figured out that that's not the way that God works, so I stole a bike and then asked him for forgiveness.

    My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

    ---

    Ah, good times.

    Cheers,
    Patrick Armstrong
    Online Marketing Manager, ethicalDeal.com
    patrick@ethicaldeal.com

  24. #24
    Affiliate Manager David Carter's Avatar
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    My sides are hurting!!!!
    David Carter
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  25. #25
    Super Dawg Member Phil Kaufman aka AffiliateHound's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by parmstro
    Some other great quotes to look for are Stephen Wright's:

    I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    or Emo Phillips':

    I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

    When I was a kid I prayed every night for a bike until I figured out that that's not the way that God works, so I stole a bike and then asked him for forgiveness.

    My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

    ---

    Ah, good times.

    Cheers,
    My All Time Favorite Quote from a Comedian is from Steven Wright:

    "My friend just got a job making polyester furballs for ceramic cats."
    Since June 10, 2012 a vegan aarf but still writing the Hound Dawg Sports Blog
    "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" -John Wooden;
    "Raj, there’s no place for truth on the internet." -Howard Wolowitz[/SIZE]

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