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  1. #1
    Full Member
    Join Date
    January 17th, 2005
    1:26 PM EST

    Philadelphia, PA – The FBI announced today that they had recovered a copy of the Bill of Rights thought lost for over 130 years. “Interestingly,” special agent T. Hobbes told Reuters, “This draft of the Bill of Rights is missing the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, and Eighth Amendments. If this document is authenticated, it could radically change the way law enforcement officers go about their duty.”

    Department of Justice officials wasted no time today in verifying the validity of this find. It was immediately taken to Georgetown University where Harold Watson, professor of political history, examined the document at length. “The document appears to be legitimate,” he said in a report released by the DOJ. “Many scholars have believed that the Bill of Rights that we all learned about in grade school is a historical fiction. That in fact only five amendments were ratified by the several states on Dec. 15, 1791. The remaining five amendments were part of a draft Bill of Rights written by James Madison, but only five were submitted to the states for ratification. After Congressional Records office lost the ratified copy of the true Bill of Rights, one of Madison’s drafts was substituted. This clerical injustice has led to over a century of erroneous rulings by the US Supreme Court. Now that the one true Bill of Rights has been recovered, I believe the Court will be forced to revisit all affected rulings especially those of the Warren Court.”

    The Supreme Court has been characteristically silent on this issue. Repeated calls to the Chief Justice of the United States have gone unanswered. However, the US Solicitor General’s office did release a memo stating that they would be appealing appropriate decisions based on this new Constitutional find. “One of the first test cases will be rehash of Torcaso vs. Watkins. This is the case that striped children of their God given right to pray. We believe that in these turbulent times, mandated prayer will help hold this great nation together…”

    Despite the applauding of the New Bill of Rights, some dissenters have reared their heads and tried to make their voices heard. In Wilmington Dl, Sam Goldberg of the ACLU called a press conference to denounce the Bill of Rights, however federal agents arrested him before the press conference was set to begin. He is reportedly being held in an undetermined location where he awaits trial on unannounced charges. “It’s good that the authorities arrested Goldberg,” said Seth Robinson a reporter who was present for the press conference. “The government did a good thing. A really, really good thing.”

    Throughout the country, law enforcement officers are struggling to adjust to their new powers. Some like Sheriff Hightower of Macon County have stated that they feel these new powers will aid them in maintaining order. “We’ve got a lot of unsolved cases on our hands, but I’ve been bringing in the usual suspects for the past few hours, and I’m confident that we’ll get a bunch of confessions shortly.”

    His sentiments were contrasted by Sheriff Andy Tyler of Mt. Airy, NC. “We’ve never had a whole lot of crime here. Sure we’ve had a few shoplifters at Weaver’s Department Store, and once some ‘ol boys from out of town thought that they would rob our bank. But we’ve managed to keep the order for years with the old system and I think that’s what we’ll keep right on doing. We had someone get everybody all worked up and spooked a few years ago when he came to town. My deputy was convinced he as a spy. It all worked out in the end, and he’s courting Mrs. Willie’s daughter now. I hate to think what would have happen if he came to town today”

    Sheriff Tyler’s deputy, Bernard P. Flute, however referred to Mt Airy as a hot bed of corruption. “I think this is a great thing. Andy’s a nice guy, but he’s way to soft on crime. It’s just like I told him about the trucks out on Route 9. If you give them 40, they’ll take 45. If you give them 45, they’ll take 50. You’ve got to nip it in the bud. Nip it! Nip it! Nip it! I’m looking forward to bringing in a few of the local drunks for the third degree. Maybe I can finally run the moon shiners out of town. All Andy ever wants to do is give people jars of pickles. Off the record, I’ve been talking to some feds, you know G-Men. They tell me that I might be sheriff soon. I guess they plan to give Andy a position in Washington.”

    Sorry guys, but I saw the headline and couldn’t resist. I’ve got way too much time on my hands. But on a side note: Anybody ever read Sinclair Lewis?

    “That’s the song I’ve been sangin for years, that’s the way the wild wind blows” – Robert Earl Keen

  2. #2
    ABW Ambassador
    Join Date
    January 18th, 2005
    This goes conveniently with:

    The government has room to scale back individual rights during wartime without violating the Constitution, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said Tuesday.

    "The Constitution just sets minimums," Scalia said after a speech at John Carroll University in suburban Cleveland. "Most of the rights that you enjoy go way beyond what the Constitution requires."

  3. #3
    Join Date
    January 17th, 2005
    Could be that Orwell had it right all along, he was just off by twenty years...

    Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

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