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Cats and Dogs

 
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  #1  
Old
ABW Ambassador
Join Date: January 18th, 2005
Posts: 2,082
Dear Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:

It's time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right!? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important?

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:

Subject: Cat
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed,
Hamster
Department of Rodent Wheels

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality -TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.

And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin.

I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the #1 pet.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Cazzie
  #2  
Old
Full Member
Join Date: January 18th, 2005
Posts: 481
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"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." Arthur C. Clark
  #3  
Old
Troll Killer and best Snooper!
I decide when the pigs fly!
Join Date: January 18th, 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 6,197


I bet our middle-aged dog could write a pretty scathing letter of complaint about the puppy if she put her mind to it!
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  #4  
Old
Full Member
Join Date: January 18th, 2005
Posts: 481
Hey Rhea, that reminds me hows your Dood doing?
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"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." Arthur C. Clark
  #5  
Old
Troll Killer and best Snooper!
I decide when the pigs fly!
Join Date: January 18th, 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 6,197
Thanks for asking Ahmar. My husband says he's suffering from "Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde" syndrome. Sometimes he's adorable and other times he's a terror. But he's a puppy boy, so that's expected.

He has some really cute things he does, like he tries to talk to us! He groans, yodels, warbles, makes woo-woo-woo sounds. He has quite a vocabulary. Mostly though...if he's talking, he's complaining.

Our older dog isn't sure what to do with him. One minute she's giving him a bath, the next she's trying to turn him into a throw rug. They both have very dominant personalities and want to be lead dog. My money's on the older dog. She's been around that block a few times and always came out on top. Damn, it's a good thing they like us, huh?

Two more weeks and he'll have his testosterone reduction procedure. After that we hope he will calm down some. Get well cards can be sent to him care of me, here at ABW.
  #6  
Old
Full Member
Join Date: January 18th, 2005
Posts: 481
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rhea:
Sometimes he's adorable and other times he's a terror. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I think he is showing signs of both Labrador and Poodle.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Mostly though...if he's talking, he's complaining. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Guess, his sales are also stolen by the parasites.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Get well cards can be sent to him care of me, here at ABW. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hey Doody, get well soon buddy, holiday season is up and you dont wanna be a sick at this time of the year.
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"The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return.
It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." Arthur C. Clark
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